The Birth/Death of a Holiday

This morning I woke up around 8 am.  I stayed in bed until around 10, lazing and reading.  When I made my way downstairs, I ate breakfast in front of the TV.  I watched some TV and then chilled.  I only had one present to open, it came from my former boss.  My younger brother and sister had none.  My Mom opened her gifts.  The rest of the day was spent cooking, eating and watching TV.

Christmas is not like it used to be.  No gifts under the tree, not breakfast at the table, one of my brothers didn't even show up.  Family time is not the same as it used to be, and the holiday really doesn't have the same feel as it used to.  Times have definitely changed

I said I only had one gift this Christmas but I have gotten many gifts over the past two years.  More than I could ever deserve:
1) A new job that could become a career (and could also create many new career paths)
2) An amazing girlfriend, with an amazing love
3) A great relationship with my siblings, and a solid support system
4) A chance to reconnect with my family around the world
5) A new found confidence, security, and maturity inside of me

At Christmas eve mass, all I could do during my prayers is thank God for the abundance of presents that he has given me.  Pretty much everything I have asked for, I have received and that's an awesome thing.  Over the past few years the presents have rolled in steadily.  And that has allowed me to take time to really focus on Christmas on what those presents mean to me.

So I think Christmas has become a new normal, and the past is gone now.  Its all about the future, and Christmas is forever changed.

And that is 100% good.

-J

A Poem

The smile on my face

Belies

My heart

Spreading

To the core

You have no idea

What I feel or what I think

I think you should know

But I may never tell

You can't handle the truth

Or rather

I can't handle the truth

I can't handle your truth

The truth that is you

The truth is

YOU

-J

Have You Ever...

• Had a sexual dream about someone you really shouldn't have?
• Ate so much you woke up in the night with food in your mouth?
• Hated some one for the same reason you loved them?
• Been embarrassed about something that others are proud of you for?
• Regretted something you don't intend to do?
• Wished you spoke a different language so you could say something no one would understand?
• Felt something someone else thought?
• Mourned the loss of a friend you cut off?
• Glimpsed God in an experience in your life?

Hmmmmm...

-J

Who Me?

For those who are in the know, I have found a new job.  The job search was a long drawn out affair.  It pushed my staying power and attention span to the limit.  I had interviews from coast to coast (literally), with a plethora of people for a plethora of positions.  I was surprised with the lack of feedback from some interviews, and the abundance I got from others.

In the past month I have had two friends come and drop bombs on me.  I never expected them to say to me what they did.  And it was a pretty mind-blowing experience to sit and listen where their head was at, and how they felt about their particular situation.  The two situations could not be more different, yet the effect they had on me was very similar.  And very profound.

What do these two separate paragraphs have in common?  In both situations I have had a glimpse into what people think of me.  I have always said that I am fascinated by other perspectives, but in this case I am fascinated by how highly people have rated me.  In my job search, I had a lot of positive feedback.  Some people went out of their way to tell me how much they liked me.  Some of the reactions have literally blown me away.  And with my friends, the fact that they brought those issues to me, that they trusted me with them, that they relied on my to be their sounding board was humbling to say the least.

The situation in my previous job was soul defeating.  Everyday I went into that place I would lose a little more confidence, and a bigger chunk of the happiness that I had compiled over the last year.  And my feelings about my friends are always nebulous.  My self esteem issues cause me to constantly question my position in their lives and how much I value them.

These situations, that all happened over the span of about 3 months was an eye opener.  And the boost that I needed.  I haven't felt this good about myself in years.  And I am seeing some of my strengths that I didn't even realize that I had.  People are showing me that I am important and desirable.  Even people who don't really know me.  That shows me there must be something there that people are seeing.  Something there that I have that I thought I might have lost or never had.  And that realization feels amazing.

It feels good to feel good.

-J

Ég elska þig

I have been been fortunate enough to find love in my lifetime. I am in a relationship right now and I have been in others over the years.  I have been in love 4 times, and each time it was very different.  Each one was special and original in its own way.  Each one was like a beautiful flower, some perennial, some annual, some never had a chance to root, some grew a tall as a red wood.

My first love was an insecure love.  I filled the space where my love of self should've resided.  As a result, many of my actions were fuelled by a fear of losing it.  It was a powerful love, and it consumed my very being.  It lingered much longer than the relationship did.  But it did teach me about the need to love myself, and that my heart was capable of love.

My second love was a comfortable love.  It was like that shirt that you have had for 10 years and always wraps you like a glove.  It was a very quiet love.  No words were needed, no actions needed to be taken.  That being said it was more powerful than the last.  It taught me what love is truly all about, what its like to be loved back.  It showed me what relationship love is all about, and how deep my love for someone could be.

My third love was an anxious love.  It snuck up on me, and caught me unaware like an episode of cheaters. It infected me and filled my being like a bad flu.  It left me unsettled, I lost a lot of sleep over that period.  I was excited and scared at the same time, Ready to move forward, and being to get out at the same time.  It was very short lived, burned white hot and then left no ashes left over like magnesium.  The relationship (if you could call it that) was over almost before the love reached its peak.  This love taught me where love can get me if I'm not aware.  It taught me first hand the perils of love and how truly uncontrollable love is.  You don't choose who you fall in love with, but even if you could, it probably wouldn't make a difference.

My current love is a fireworks show love.  It lights up the night in an array of colours.  It moves my soul and shakes the foundations of my life.  It is like a symphony, many parts moving together in harmonies adding together to create a suite.  As with anything powerful, there is conflict, but there is also beauty.  Immense, unparalleled beauty  This love has showed me the height love can reach.  It has shown me that love can be no effort and a constant struggle at the same time.  Fate has cause this love align so that all parts are perfectly symmetrical.

All of these loves are unique and yet equivalent.  No one is better than the other, no one is superior.  They each bloomed and grew in their own way, like different species of flowers.  I was fortunate to be able to share moments in my life with 4 amazing women.  And each one taught me something about myself, while contributing to the shaping of who I am today.  And who I am today is much greater than who I was before that first love.  I am a more whole person, and that whole is made up partially of pieces fitted in by those loves.  Those loves have also increased my capacity to love others, thus making my life more rich all-round.  Learning and experiencing love has allowed me to learn and experience myself, and learn and experience life.

I guess the saying is true: God is love.

-J

Through the Looking Glass

Its been an interesting past two weeks.  A lot going on, in my life and in my head.

I have been here before.  These situations are not new.  What is new is the side I find myself on.  Being on the other side of the coin has been enlightening.  But it has also served to further highlight the differences between me and others.  Being on that side is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be, but it was also not as bad as advertised.  That side pushed all of my buttons.  I don't know if there is a insecurity of mine that wasn't rubbed raw by the recent rash of situations.

I can clearly identify that my insecurities make these situations worse.  I know my insecurities and the effect they have on me.  I also know the effects that others feel as a result of my insecurities affecting me.  But how do you go about getting rid of your insecurities.  Can you even do that?  Recognizing them never seems like enough.  I know mine but that doesn't stop them from having an adverse effect on me.  And I have no idea how to rehabilitate them.  Does this mean that I have to deal with them forever?  I certainly hope not.

If we go back as recently as 5 years back, I had lots more insecurities.  At some point, some of them just disappeared.  I'm not sure that I did anything to actively to get rid of them.  I did spend a lot of time recognizing how I felt about myself, why i feel the way I do, and what caused me to feel and think that way.  I wish they would all go away, but even the strongest of us has some chink in our armour, not matter how big or small.  So is that the only choice, to accept our insecurities and try to move forward?  There doesn't seem to be any other choice.

I guess a key part of why I'm much better is that my insecurities don't rule me any more.  There was a time when they were well on their way to destroying me.  But I realized what they were doing and stemmed the tide against me.  And maybe that is what it is all about.  Taking back that control and not let them define you.  They are a part of you, but they are not YOU.


That part of me just likes to surface at the worst times.

-J

Fish out of Water

My posts have been decidedly depressing as of late.  I have been feeling the blogging bug a lot more than I have  in a while though.  Lets lighten the mood, although not the topic.

I went to Ottawa a few weeks ago on business.  My boss happened to be out of town for a national workshop for a protocol we have been working on, so I was asked to go.  It was a very interesting and enriching two days.  I feel lucky that I have gotten to be involved in some very cutting edge and revolutionary work.

So why is this blog worthy?  I was the only black person at the workshop.  Not only that I was one of 3 young (30-) people there as well.  Most of the conferences and workshops I go to are like this.  I wondered if my experience was unique so I talked to my brother who is also in the public service, albeit at a different level.  He said he encounters lots of them and that its probably my industry.  When I had reminded him that we are both in the public service, he said that it still might be that, that in his experience they are confined to certain divisions.  

It is still a weird experience for me to go places and be the blackest and youngest person there.  I should be used to it, seeing as growing up I was always the token smart black guy in my school.  Or at least that's how I saw things.  Even in university there was a lack of black people, and even less in my program.  I remember walking down the street at school, and running into the one of 5 black people on campus.  We would make eye contact, even though we didn't know each other, we would acknowledge each other and there would be that recognition.  That unspoken "keep up the struggle brother".  Even in my house, I was the only one who was supposed to finish university, and the first one in our extended family.  Now my sister has a degree and my brother is about one month away from his.

I would love to chalk this up to black people over all not being successful, but I know many university degree holding, good job having, black people.  Many who work hard every day at a "good" job.  So why do I keep ending up on my own?  And even if I were to encounter another black person, how would that change things?  I guess I would feel less out of place, more like I belonged.  I guess for now, I will have to represent for all black people in my professional circles.  I still have a hard time thinking of myself as successful.  I need to keep working to get myself to a point where I can stand as an example for my community.

That day cannot come soon enough for me.

-J