Paradise Lost

Its been a little while since I've been around. I just haven't had anything to write about really. Lately I have really been questioning if I want to continue this blog. I always go through lulls and peaks in my writing motivation. But this is the first time that it has waned to zero. I have had no material whatsoever since my last post. But I'm here for now and maybe I will be hitting a new peak, now that I've hit rock bottom. It would only be fitting.

Have you ever had a friend that you have known for a long time, and then one day you realize you don't really know that person? Or maybe you do know them and you realize that you don't like them as much as you thought you did? Or maybe you see a side of them that you are just not a fan of? And what about the opposite, you know the person for a long time, and then one day you realize that they don't know you? They demonstrate that they don't understand your personality or how you operate, when you think that they should? Situations that you have been through before they react to with incredulity, as if they have never seen you act that way?

I think I am a simple guy. My personality is pretty straight forward. There are lots of people who don't really see me for me. But there are others that I expect that from. So to not get it is kinda disappointing. I do think to know me is to love me. But how many people truly know me?

How would you react?

-J

My Surprising Secret

I don't think I have written anything about Solange. As you can see from my last post I was listening to her and got some inspiration. Yes I was listening to her album. Yes it was Solange's album. Why you ask? Cause its damn good. Solange has made a great pop/R&B album, best I've heard in a while. I was skeptical too when I fist go it, but she made me a believer. And she did it properly, got some great talent and brought them into the studio. And the result was great. The song I copied is my favourite on the album. Here I will give you my second favourite song. A very close second. But as I always say, check out the album. No, Really, check it out. You WILL like it.

Solange - Would've been the one



This one has no relation to my life, just a great song.

-J

Expressive

I'm racking up quite the impressive list of material. I recently had the most brilliant strike of inspiration. I hesitated posting it on here cause I wondered what it would say about me. Would it make me seem weak, soft, hung up? I think all it really says is that I am in touch with my feelings. I think the song is not my best work, but it is quite fitting for my current situation. And it is based on a song that I am currently loving right now. I hope you Enjoy.

E.B.B.Y. (Based on the song T.O.N.Y. by Solange)

Verse 1:
E.B.B.Y. don't call no more
No not at all no more
Maybe works been busy all along
Or maybe God's calling and the thrill is gone
I'm very sure that I feel neglected
And I'm not in a rush to feel rejected
Not by E.B.B.Y.

E.B.B.Y. don't care no more
She doesn't want the heart she tore
I just wanna know what I did wrong
Its stupid that I made this song
And I have these nights way too often
I wish I could take my mind off it
But I really miss E.B.B.Y.

Chorus:
And this wasn't just something small just to try
E.B.B.Y.'s actually Every Blind Binge, oh Why

I could've been in love right now
If it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.
Ooh, I could've been in love by now
If it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.

Verse 2:
Me and E.B.B.Y. don't speak no more
It's almost been 3 months oh no
My the time it goes so fast
Know I'll be the one to call her ass
To other girls I am very attracted
And to them I have reacted
But I really miss E.B.B.Y.

But then E.B.B.Y. called me one day
She said that she just called to say hey
And I so wish she wouldn't call me back
But I realize I want much more than that
I'm a lot wiser and so much bolder
Hey baby it was nice to know ya
Good bye E.B.B.Y.

Chorus

Bridge:
I don't go with every whim no more
Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free)
My head, my big heart told me (what it say?)
That will set you free (That will set you free)

So I'm moving on (I'm moving)
Yes I'm moving on (I'm going, oh, other fish to fry)
So I'm moving on (I'm going)
Yes I'm moving on (I'm leaving, I miss you baby)

Still this wasn't something small just to try
E.B.B.Y.'s actually Every Blind Binge
Yeah, if it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.
Ooh, could`ve been in love by now
If it wasn`t for E.B.B.Y.

Maybe one day I will record all these songs and put them on the Internet, just for the hell of it.

-J

Return of the Mack

I know I've been away for a while, I have had so much on my mind, so much that I have wanted to put down, but I just have been so unmotivated. That and I just recently started coaching again, and I'm still trying to readjust to being busy again.

One topic that has been on my mind lately kinda scares me. I recently attended my first wake. One of the coaches that I coached with in the past recently died. He was 39. He had undiagnosed Lupus and one day he just wasn't feeling that well. He was admitted to the hospital and 2 weeks later he was gone. Many of the coaches are taking it pretty hard. We had one coach who went on a 20 minute rant because he felt the kids were disrespecting the dead coaches name. I have to admit I didn't know him that well and his passing hasn't hit me that hard. But it has had me thinking about the people in my life and myself as well. Tomorrow your mother, sister, brother, friend, co-worker, could be gone. Tomorrow you could be gone. Does everyone you know, know how you feel about them? The people who really matter to you, have you shown them how much you appreciate them?For me it really hits home because I have aunts who are pushing 80, Hopefully they will be around for another 30 years, but you never know. It even has me thinking about my health, and my weight, and my fitness level, what I eat and how I live. Its kinda sad that its taken something like this for me to think about these things.

But that's not really what scares me. Lets take this post on a weird turn. Think about the past year. Think about how many people (famous and otherwise) who have died. I think pretty much everyone I know has lost someone they knew this year. And in the past 6 months I think at least 10 celebrities have died. 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world, according to the Mayan calender. Could this be it? I find it highly unusual that this many people could die in such a short period of time. I don't really think the world is ending, but it does give me pause. I'm going to keep my eye on who else dies in the near future. Hopefully no one close to me, God willing.

Everything happens for a reason, I just wonder what the reason is for this.

-J

The Weekend

It is now Monday night, and the weekend is almost over. As I look back over it, I think about my prediction from Friday. When someone asked me what I was doing for the weekend, I responding by saying I had a feeling that this weekend would be one of those weekends that I wouldn't know what the weather outside was like. Well I could tell you what the weekend weather was like. But only, for the most part, the weather was it was outside my house.

On Saturday I went to the Argos game (which was a good game by the way). I took the Go bus downtown and took it back after the game. That was the last time I left the house for the weekend. Today I barbecued, which is a event for me, but it was me in the house by myself. I even finished a book this weekend, that's how much free time I've had.

A lot of my friends have been out and about this weekend, partying, and having fun. Others I have no idea what they did this weekend. But I know I have been shut up in the house. I know I have no one to blame but myself, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I am not that guy who parties any more. Clubs hold no lure for me. Restaurants are tired. So what is there to do? I have been offered a coaching spot for the fall. I'm not sure if I am going to take it, because I'm not sure if I want to tie up all the time it takes for that. And I know that it doesn't alleviate the feelings that I have.

This weekend feels like such a waste. And yet, I don't think I could see myself doing anything else. There are somethings that I think I should've done, somethings that I I just realized I wanted to get to and never did. And tomorrow I will be at work, wishing that I was here, the end of the weekend dread is rising inside of me as we speak. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating how I feel.

Ahh, the life we live eh?

-J

It Takes a Village

I think I have a good amount of friends. I remember one day PD broke it down for me. I have my high school friends, elementary school friends, football friends, work friends, and random Blackplanet friends. I am a person that tends to retain friends, sometimes to a fault. I am loyal to my friends and family and I appreciate the roll they play in my life.

Its interesting because I have started to take steps to expand my Internet community. I have recently joined a forum that Slash is a key member of, and I am also commenting on some of the blogs that I have been following. This is the opposite of the normal way that I operate, contrary to popular belief about me (shut up J-Smooth). I tend to not put myself out there, online at least. This is definitely outside of my comfort zone. I even filled out a user made survey about me and I already had to confront how much I wanted to say about myself.

In general on here, you can go through my posts and realize that I take a pretty conciliatory tone to everything. And on Facebook I usually don't post too many of my pics. I'm sure if someone really wanted to investigate they could find out who I am, but I'm not making it easy on them. I guess I will just have to live and learn. I'm not too worried, most of the people I have interacted with seem cool. I'm sure I will get cracked on to no end (my real life friends never pass up a opportunity to take me own a notch) but I'm a big boy, I can handle it.

And if they do take the time to investigate me, well then they deserve whatever they find. :P

-J

Random Query

A few top of mind questions:

1) Why is the door to guys washrooms always open? In public places the door to the girls washroom is always closed. But yesterday I went to a restaurant, and the guys washroom was open, to the point where you could stand a bit down the hallway and clearly see the Stall and urinal. I don't know about other men, but I like privacy too.

2) Is hedging a prerequisite to getting ahead in the workplace? The VP of my group talks a whole lot, but he does very little. He sees things in a whole lot of ways but he never does anything to where he sees them. And nine times out of ten he doesn't even know how to describe what he sees. If he thinks something is not going to benefit him in some way, he is going to give up on it before anyone else. I don't know how he got to where he is. I hope that doesn't stop me from getting there one day.

3) Why do people play both sides in reality show games? It has been clearly proven that people who stick with their original alliances go far in the game, even when they are a huge threat. From day one, everyone was gunning for Chilltown. But they never faltered on each other and one of them won. People need to do more preparation to win any game they plan on competing in. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

4) How do single people support themselves? I think I make a decent wage, above average probably for where I am in life, but I have looked at how much it takes to own a home & car, and all the other expenses that come along with it. And I'm fairly sure it could never fit into my budget. How do they do it? Do they have money saved up before hand? Is it because they have always been relatively debt free? Or can I do it, and I just don't realize it. I have lived even worse than pay cheque to pay cheque and I do not want to go back there. Maybe I don't want to have that margin be that close ever again.

I'm sure I will have more later, the memory is not what it used to be...

-J