The Gift of Giving

At the beginning of this life year, I had big plans.  It actually started off with a bang, I had just returned from Egypt, a lifelong dream of mine.  I was feeling food about my life and where it was going.  And I had some big plans for yea year ahead.

Fast forward to now, the year is almost over (exactly one month left) and when I look back, a lot has happened.  I have accomplished a lot, and changed in a lot of ways.  If you had told me back then, that my life would be this way now, I would've laughed in your face.  Some of the things that have happened are astonishing.

One thing that happened this year was more significant than all the others (save maybe one or two moments).  Anybody who knows me, knows I am a giver.  Do unto others... my phrase stops there.  There are many people in many different ways who when they need, they turn to me.  And I give, without hesitation and regret.  And usually without reciprocation either (not that I want or need it).  But this year, my capacity to give has been put to the test.  I have been asked to give more to more people than ever before.  I think if most people knew how much of myself I have given this year, they would look at me like I am idiot.  But that is what I do.  Any, to my surprise, my capacity is much greater than I ever gave possible.  I thought I would've ran out of resources a long time ago, but that hasn't happened.  The reserves I have had are amazing, even to myself

But after a long and sometimes harrowing year, the reserves are empty.  I have nothing left to give.  And the interesting, and somehow scary part, is that I feel guilty for reaching this point.  For not having anything else to give.  But it was inevitable, everyone has their breaking point.  And its not so much that I am broken, more like I have stalled out.  And being stalled out has made everything else in my life difficult to deal with.

As I said before, people who know the truth would probably tell me to take better care of myself.  I would say they should spend more time being selfless.  Through all of this I haven't lost myself.  And I'm more happy now than I was last year when my coffers were full.  I think that is what really matters.

At the end of the day, I only have to live with myself, and I'm living with myself just fine.

-J