Confessions Of A Mad Man

15/11/2011

2012-01-03T23:01:00.001-05:00

I have been slacking on this post. But after the events of the day, I see no better time.

What a year. My personal new years was a big one this year. The big 3-0. It seems surreal to think that I am 30 years old. Just today I was reflecting on the past decade and so much has happened. Its crazy to think how much I have experienced. I feel like I was 20 just yesterday... until I try to move at faster than a walking pace, then my body tells me differently. I see everything and everyone differently.

I have done a lot of learning over the past 10 years, but I don't think I have grown as much as I have done this year. I finally feel like an adult. I finally feel like my place in the world is being carved out.

Career wise I have found a groove. A merger at work as put me in a place where I can focus on the stuff that I enjoy the most. And has showed me a clear path.

Relationship-wise, I found love again. I doubted, but God had a different plan. It has been a long time since there was stability in that part of my life, good to have it back. When I think about where I was in 2001/2002 and now, its mind blasting.

Activity-wise, I really didn't do much this past year. But I realized what is important to me, and have hopes to do more in 2012.

Maturity-wise, I have grown. I bought a freaking furnace this year. Who does that? As much as I put into this house this year, I need to start making moves to get my own place. I have definitely have outgrown this place.

The real new years day I reflected on where was was NYE 2010 vs. NYE 2011. What a huge difference. Who knew that I could come so far in one year? I don't say it much, but I am proud of myself. Hopefully I can carry this momentum into the next year and the next decade.

Hopefully I have many more decades to come.

-J

So...

2011-12-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

Apparently its my fault.

Apparently it was/is on me to fix.

Apparently its ultimately my responsibility.

No one told me.

-J

Lesson Learned

2011-12-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

So I will have the birthday/new year post coming soon but...

Ever have someone tell you something about yourself, and not really pay attention.

And then later realize they were right?

Yeah, neither have I.

-J

The Gift of Giving

2011-10-15T11:01:00.000-04:00

At the beginning of this life year, I had big plans. It actually started off with a bang, I had just returned from Egypt, a lifelong dream of mine. I was feeling food about my life and where it was going. And I had some big plans for yea year ahead.

Fast forward to now, the year is almost over (exactly one month left) and when I look back, a lot has happened. I have accomplished a lot, and changed in a lot of ways. If you had told me back then, that my life would be this way now, I would've laughed in your face. Some of the things that have happened are astonishing.

One thing that happened this year was more significant than all the others (save maybe one or two moments). Anybody who knows me, knows I am a giver. Do unto others... my phrase stops there. There are many people in many different ways who when they need, they turn to me. And I give, without hesitation and regret. And usually without reciprocation either (not that I want or need it). But this year, my capacity to give has been put to the test. I have been asked to give more to more people than ever before. I think if most people knew how much of myself I have given this year, they would look at me like I am idiot. But that is what I do. Any, to my surprise, my capacity is much greater than I ever gave possible. I thought I would've ran out of resources a long time ago, but that hasn't happened. The reserves I have had are amazing, even to myself

But after a long and sometimes harrowing year, the reserves are empty. I have nothing left to give. And the interesting, and somehow scary part, is that I feel guilty for reaching this point. For not having anything else to give. But it was inevitable, everyone has their breaking point. And its not so much that I am broken, more like I have stalled out. And being stalled out has made everything else in my life difficult to deal with.

As I said before, people who know the truth would probably tell me to take better care of myself. I would say they should spend more time being selfless. Through all of this I haven't lost myself. And I'm more happy now than I was last year when my coffers were full. I think that is what really matters.

At the end of the day, I only have to live with myself, and I'm living with myself just fine.

-J

2011-09-11T22:58:00.003-04:00

The Day After Tomorrow... Ten Years Later

Today is the first full day of the NFL season, and I was considering boycotting it. Why you ask? Well because today is significant for a different reason. And there is only so much flag waving and American circle jerking I can take. I did watch, and it was surprisingly little and tasteful the coverage that I saw.

This may seem very insensitive. Maybe it is. I'm not trying to downplay how big a tragedy it was. And it was horrific. But there have been much bigger tragedies in the world since then, and we have people overseas who die each day in battle, soldiers and citizens. We don't give them half as much coverage, and their tragedy is no less significant.

I need to drop the obligatory "where were you" moment. I was in bed. I usually had Tuesdays off from school and I slept in. My mom called me and asked if I was watching TV. I told her I was in bed. She told me to turn on the TV right away. About 30 seconds after I turned on the TV, the second plane hit the second building. I remember being astonished and scared. I had practice that evening and thought it might be cancelled. I don't know why they would, but I also thought there would be chaos in the streets. No chaos, and practice was held. But I remember it was overcast, and from the field it looked like the CN Tower had fallen as well. Some of the players joked about it. It was very eerie.

What I wrote above might seem even more insensitive when I say that I actually knew someone who died that day. Not someone close, but she was a Internet friend that I used to talk to on and off. It wasn't till a few years later that I was browsing BlackPlanet and I noticed someone had a banner up commemorating her death. I was shocked, it had been a while since I had thought about it at that point. And up until then it had been a distant tragedy, now it was one that directly affected me. It still kinda freaks me out when I think about it to this day.

The world changed that day. The US changed the way they treated the world, and as a result the world changed the way they treated each other. If someone pre-2001 came into the future and went through the airport, their mind would be blown. The US shifted to the left, and Canada shifted to the right. When I really sit down and think about what has been happening in the past 10 years, and even the past 3 years, its really scary.

A tragedy occurred, a wrong was done. the by-line since then has been "never forget". And certainly the world has not forgotten. But what have we done about it? What was the response? How have we coped with it? What are we doing to make sure it never happens again?

I think below all of it there is the question we have to face first: Is what we have done so far the right thing?

-J

2011-08-21T20:15:00.002-04:00

Power of Words

This week has had two running themes. One theme was end of life. I have a number of things that have reached the end of their life and I have to replace them. Sucks that a) they all happened at the same time, and b) having to do so much research on all these different things at the same time.

But its the other theme that I really wanted to cover in this post. I have been reminded this week the power of words. I am a very quiet person. And on top of that I struggle with words. Put a 40 column, 5000 row spreadsheet in front of me and ask me to work it up I wont break a sweat. But ask me to tell you how I'm feeling right now, and we will probably both end up frustrated at the result. But this week twice I had to say that was in my heart. And I had demonstrated to me the power of words. With my upbringing and my home life, my first instinct is to not say anything and be quiet. It probably had a lot to do with who I am today. But slowly I'm learning how to open up and more importantly, when to open up. And seeing instant results also reaffirms why I am doing it.

I was at a party recently and I was talking to a guy about the ancient Egyptians. Having studied them in university, I knew that they believed that the written word and pictures carried power, that by writing a word or drawing a picture they were giving life to something. And pictures and words were interchangeable for them, evidenced in the fact that their written words were literally pictures and their pictures were often configured to create sentences. We can only conjecture how they felt about the spoken word. I would think that they probably ascribed the same amount of power to it, even though it is not as permanent as a writing or inscription.

I now ascribe a tremendous amount of power to them.

-J

2011-08-02T21:36:00.002-04:00

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

When was the last time you lied to your parents?

I find myself lying with more frequency to my mom nowadays. About the most mundane things. I'm breaking two commandments at once. I know most of it is to avoid questions that will pry into things. I just really want privacy. I'm a private guy, and there has been a lot of changes in my life lately. And until I know how I feel about things, I usually don't want to talk about them. Living here also means that there is a marked lack of privacy. And as is the case with most moms, they don't have boundaries in their own house.

All this has served to heighten my want to get out of this house. And weirdly enough, I am not in a position to go anywhere. I had a conversation with Garneteye about moving out of your parents' house. And he made it clear that I could do it. I had no idea how he did it back then, and I have even less of an idea now. Maybe one day I will figure it out.

Until then, I guess I will be lying.

-J

2011-07-17T20:21:00.003-04:00

A New Dawn

I came to two realizations today.

It will never be the same
It will always be the same

Contradictory but complementary. Sad but very good. I've been wondering what its all been for and what has been really going on.

Today I got my answer.

-J

2011-07-13T20:31:00.002-04:00

Discovery

I Googled my name and hometown city and this came up as one of the first hits.

I remembered my friends showed up at my house less than 6 hours after I posted it.

It is now a part of my Google record. I guess what they say about being careful of what you put on the Internet being true.

I remember where I was at that moment. I worked on it for a week leading up to posting it. And thinking where I am today, I'm not very far, yet light years away. I've been a bit more careful about what I post ever since that day. Still, its always interesting to take a walk back to interesting moments in one's past.

And interesting to see what comes up when you Google yourself too. :P

-J

2011-06-26T22:01:00.003-04:00

Congratulations

I want to write a post but I'm not sure what to write. On Friday I attended a graduation ceremony. The first grad that I've attended in years that wasn't my own. I think the last one was Madface's in 2003. I was particularly proud to be at this grad because I saw someone who had overcome so much to make it to where they are now. To see them walk up on to the stage to accept their diploma made me so proud. It was a moment that snuck up on me, but it is also a moment that I would not have missed for the world. I was proud and I hoped that they were just as proud as I was. So as always, when I don't have the words, I go to someone else who can say it better than me. Listen and enjoy.

Vitamin C- Graduation (Friends Forever)

Congratulations Ppip, I always knew you could do it and I'm glad you did. I'm so proud of you.

-J

2011-06-19T22:20:00.003-04:00

Día del Padre, Baba Siku or Isänpäivä

I don't have many days that specifically have any strong feelings for or against. I don't get excited for Christmas or my birthday. I don't have anything against Valentines Day, its just another day. But I have a special disdain for Father's day. I don't like the day, and I don't like celebrating it.

I have a love hate relationship with my father. Our relationship is complicated, I'm sure a lot of people's relationships with their father is complicated. I think we get a long great. There is very few people that I can have as stimulating a conversation with, as the ones I have with my dad. But I also harbour a lot of bitterness as well. Bitterness towards things he's done to me, bitterness towards the way he's treated people around me, but most of all bitterness about the way things are right now. I probably have the power to change the situation too, but I just don't care to. I'm at peace with the circumstances, and I'm not willing to do more to fix them.

The thing is, most of the past few years I didn't do anything, and I didn't care. But this year with Octal joining the daddy ranks, I realized that I am surrounded by amazing fathers. And I should celebrate them, even if my own father doesn't deserve it. There are others who don't even know their fathers, or they don't even They are doing an amazing job, and their kids aren't old enough to let them know they are. But I see that they are, so I should tell them. So here goes. To Octal, Slinks, Knowledge, and all the other great fathers out there, I see what you are doing and I like it. Keep it up. And to my own dad, I love you.

He's really not as bad as this post makes it sound.

-J

2011-06-12T22:18:00.003-04:00

A Prayer

I was taught a valuable lesson this week.

This week I went through a considerable amount of stress. I didn't expect the unsurity and anticipation to get to me but it did. A lot happened in a short period of time, and I didn't expect a lot of upheaval. But the ground was shaken and the leaves fell, and the dust was kicked up. It hasn't totally cleared yet, but things are a little bit clearer.

Those who know me, know that I'm not a overly religious person. But this week I have to thank God. I could've had a lot of bad scenarios, but things worked out great. I didn't know what was going on, but God gave me more than I could've ever hoped for. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. and the reason was shown to me this week. So I have to thank God. he is good and great.

There is that story about the footsteps in the sand. And I think that my story is similar, but I think that I didn't even know that I needed to be carried. I thought I was walking beside God, and little did I know that he was under me. I usually notice these types of things, lol.

God, If I haven't made it clear or if I haven't said it enough: Thank you.

-J

2011-06-05T22:51:00.001-04:00

All I Need is One Word

FUCK!

That is all.

-J

2011-05-31T22:35:00.002-04:00

Da Mystery of Chessboxin'

The board is laid out. I can see all of my pieces. I can see the possible next moves. I can see my opponents next moves as well. I've never been good at chess though. I can't see more than a few moves ahead. And my ability to anticipate my opponents moves is non-existent. As thus it sometimes leaves me paralysed and unable to decide on a move. Luckily this is not speed chess. And luckily the game is not more than half over (knock on wood). I have some moves lined up in my mind that are very risky. They could reap a huge reward, or they could lead to a loss of one of my pieces. Not knowing how they fit into my over all game is tough. But lately I have been feeling a gambling streak, so I will probably go for it. Lets hope it leads me to a check, or even better a mate. But really, all I want is to not lose any pieces.

Cause everyone knows how important my pieces are to me.

-J

2011-05-23T21:32:00.001-04:00

Happily Ever After

This weekend I witnessed (literally, more on that in a moment) a momentous occasion. It has been a long time coming and I was glad to be there to witness it. So I had to do a post in tribute.

As I said in my Best Man Toast, I remember the first time seeing both Slinks and HalfBreedMom. After all these years they are two of my closest friends. I was proud to participate in the day of their marriage (even though it was long as hell and annoying at moments :P). I love love and all of the joy and beauty it brings. And to see where their love is today, after all of the stuff they have been through. I was honoured when Slinks asked me to be his Best Man, and I was happy to help make their day special. The ceremony was small but beautiful, and the reception was better than I could ever imagine. And the fact that this wedding came together in the span of 2 months was nothing short of a miracle. I hope that one day I can find love and have such a beautiful day like they did.

Quite a few times over the past few years I've been at a wedding and had this surreal moment realizing that this person, who is one of my best friends, or someone I have known for the majority of my life, is getting married. Its that time of my life when every year there is another one to attend. I'm happy to see my friends, people that I consider a part of my family find happiness. I want the best for them and I could not wish for more for them.

Slinks and HalfBreedMom: I love you both so much, and I wish you all the best now and for the years to come.

-J

2011-04-26T21:29:00.002-04:00

Enter BlackProphet's Chamber

I have recently shared this blog with three people I know. One is a close friend, one is a not so close friend, and one is a co-worker. One of those people told me that I shouldn't give this out to just anyone, and another said that they were honoured that I gave it to them, and the third... well they haven't said anything. I also had a different friend call me out on seeing their name on here. I usually don't use real names on here. It kinda shook me a bit.

I find it funny that these 2 people have had such a strong reaction to this. This blog is in the public sphere. Anyone can search BlackProphet on Google and this blog comes up as the first hit. I also heavily sensor what is on here, so anything that I don't want to share, wont be shared. I know some of my content her is fairly revealing, and some of it is fairly guttural. But I'm not afraid of anyone reading this. This is me. And I like who I am. And I appreciate everything that I have been through. Those who want to read, go ahead and read. I welcome anyone who wants to get a deeper understanding into who I am as a person. I know I'm not the simplest person to get, and I know I have many layers. This blog is just one layer. A small slice into who I am as a person. Most people I know will lake any chance to see the inner workings of what is between my ears. And this blog is a lot like my love for cooking. I create something from my heart, and share it with others in the hope that they enjoy it.

If they like it, that means they like me by extension.

-J

2011-04-10T22:22:00.002-04:00

Nah Nah '87. That Was my Favourite Shit. Polo Shit. Everything, Everything was Lovely.

Lately I have been feeling really emotional. And when I get emotional, my music consumption increases. This weekend I have been working on a major project and presentation, and I have been using music to keep the flow going. And as well, as I have been telling Ppip, I feel like something big is coming. Like I am on the cusp of the rest of my life. I feel inspired, but inspired to no end. I am looking for the thing that I can use that inspiration on.

I also have a lot of love rolling around in my right now. I don't know where it came from but I feel full to the core, almost to the bursting point. I have been sharing it out, but I have more than I can get rid of. So let me share a little with you. Choose a song below and listen and feel the love. From me to you. Enjoy.

Love - Musiq Soulchild

Love - Keyshia Cole

I Love You - Dru Hill

I Love You - Faith Evans

Bob Marley - Is this love

Lenny Williams - Cause I Love You

Do you feel it yet?

-J

2011-03-23T22:50:00.001-04:00

The Vagina Gap

I have a good group of friends. I have best friends, I have acquaintances. I have friends that I talk all day every day to, and I have friends that I talk to once a month. Over the past 10+ years that I have been out of high school, the make up of my friends has gone from predominately male, to predominately female. This has been doe to various factors, the major ones being internet dating and becoming friends of friends.

Its a natural human trait to think that others think like you. And if not that, then to want them to think like you. And lately I have been getting into conflicts with friends, where the fundamental difference is the way we thing, and the way we approach things. But then I realized there was a common thread among all of those that I have been getting into conflict with, they are all women! Now before any women reading this starts to get mad, let me explain. Men and women are different, its a fact of life. And I can't expect my female friends to think like me. And they can't expect me to think like them. The way logic works for us is different (and being a physics major, the was logic works for me in particular is quite different). And that's the thing, I have been getting female reactions and trying to rationalize them with male logic. Any any man with a significant other will tell you that is a grave mistake.

Now that I have come to this conclusion I need to approach my female friends in a different way. I almost need to approach them like they were my girlfriend. This, in certain ways, will allow me to expect, or at least anticipate the female reaction to things I say or do. And when we don't see eye to eye and I get a reaction that I don't agree with, I will have a place to start assessing from.

This also shows that I need more/to hang our more with my male friends.

-J

2011-03-20T02:43:00.002-04:00

Dr. Phil Freud

Lately I have had a lot of motivation to blog. Its been a while since it has been so top of mind. I guess its good for you. My blog hasn't been this active in years.

I fancy myself a amateur psychologist. I love to find out what is going on in peoples heads. "What are you thinking" is a phrase that I commonly say. I am slightly obsessed with seeing things from others perspective. I feel like it will give me a better perspective on who I am.

The psychologist side of me also psychoanalyzes people. If you have known me for more than 6 months, I have a psychological profile of you. I should be a member of the BAS on Criminal Minds. To me the connection between the way a person thinks, who they are, and their experiences. Maybe I simplify it too much, but I feel like those connections are so obvious. Don't get me wrong, I make them in myself. Anyone who knows me, knows I psychoanalyze myself more than anyone. But trying to figure out other people comes naturally to me.

I remember once telling my brother a part of his profile, which happened to be a part of my profile as well given that we grew up in the same household. He thought it was a great bit of information, and took it to heart. I never thought that he would take it to heart so deeply. I never really fully believed it before that either. But, good or bad, it was a self validation. So far I'm one for one, just like my coaching career. I wonder if I shared with others what I thought, if they would take it on as wholeheartedly as by brother did.

If I told you, would you be able to handle it?

-J

P.S. I'm not going to tell you, so don't bother asking.

2011-03-13T14:25:00.005-04:00

Ghosts of Julius Past

Currently Haunting:

Ashley
JoeBlowBunny
L.L. Cool Banana
Kindred
E.B.B.Y.
Octal Progenitor

Anyone know an exorcist?

-J

2011-03-10T22:06:00.004-05:00

Good Heavens

Every man has his own heaven the difference is the way that he envision it
So if you make your heaven picture-less
By the time you die
You'll be driftin' in an image-less field
So build your heaven full of blessed thoughts
That's real, you can stress it or just let it walk
I got a question if a man can make his own heaven
Can he make his path to get to it too?
- The World Is ... (Below The Heavens) by Blu and Exile

Lent started on this past Wednesday, but I am still trying to figure out if I want to give something up or if I want to add something. I usually use this time to try and better my life in some way. Instead of sacrificing by subtracting, I usually sacrifice by adding.

Lately I have been thinking about heaven. If any one organized religion is right, I will not make it there. I don't go to church with regularity. I have actually become a Easter/Christmas Christian for the most part, which is pretty sad. But on the other hand it doesn't terribly bother me either. I'm kinda here and there on the whole religion thing. I mean I pray regularly, and I feel that I have faith, but its the particulars that I can't get down with. I have yet to meet a religion that I feel fits me, or that I believe in wholeheartedly. I wonder if I will ever get to that place with the religions I know, or if I will ever find a religion that will make me feel that way.

But as it currently stands my soul is eternally damned. I have friends and family who look at me and think this about me. I could die tomorrow (God Forbid!) and that would be it for me. Go straight to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. It is kinda scary. But on the other hand I can't even fathom what happens after you kick the bucket, so I find it very hard to be truly afraid of it. I am too practical and logical to have the ability to worry too much. Sometimes I do wish I could be more of a believer. But I know that its not in me at this present moment.

Maybe one day it will be.

-J

2011-02-22T21:35:00.002-05:00

Cold World

I am not a generally person. Most of the time I am sad, or depressed, or not in great spirits. This is who I am as a person. And lately it has been worse. My mind-state has been in the gutter, and I have basically been operating on nothing but fumes. Its been a long month.

This is not remarkable, but what is remarkable is the fact that so many people around me are going though something similar. One of my friends admitted to crying (which she never does). Another talked about being fed up with life. Another talk about how they were always going to be alone. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. I don't understand it. I am used to being the one with the storm clouds over my head, but now there are storm clouds everywhere. Maybe something bigger with the universe is going on. Or maybe I am negatively affecting others, my negative energy is seeping into others' lives. The probability of so many people that I know being so low at the same time is, well, low.

I find myself drawing on all of my supportive skills and techniques to help all of these people. And it has had a unexpected effect as well, it has served to lift my spirits. Helping others always makes me feel better. I almost feel like its my unofficial calling (if only I could figure out what my official one is!). I just wish everyone around me would be ok. I've been praying for them all, because they need Gods support. And I think I have been through every situation that they are going through so I can bring a unique perspective to their problems (you may think its unlikely that I share multiple people's negative circumstances, but I assure you I do). And I'm used to dealing with large amounts of sadness so I can take on as much as is needed. It has also been interesting to see my pain expressed by others, to know what its like to listen to me. I hope that I can have an effect and help my friends to feel better. I always just want to help, I hate seeing my friends suffer.

Me, suffering is my middle name.

-J

2011-02-21T18:58:00.002-05:00

Happy Family Day

So it's Family Day in Ontario. This was a holiday made up by the government to garner support. Its not a real holiday. But it gets me out of work, so I'm not complaining. I went to breakfast with my siblings. We have made something of a tradition. We have gone every family day so far (which has been 3 or 4 so far).

I find it very interesting how many people who have hung out with or done something with their family. This fake holiday that was invented by a government has inspired people to do the family thing. My siblings and I are pretty close, so going out together to eat is not unknown, but it is uncommon. And this has given us a structured hangout time, and it also has added to our family tradition.

Its simple days like these that I appreciate the most. Eat a delicious big breakfast, spend time with my siblings, come home and fall asleep on the couch, and spend the rest of the day in front of the TV. After the last month or so, I desperately needed a day like this. The week begins anew tomorrow, but I think the past few days might make it a little easier.

Did you see your family today?

-J

2011-01-31T21:42:00.002-05:00

Objects in the Rear View Mirror

Its funny how the mind twists things to make them fit what we understand. And its funny how two people in one situation can see things totally differently.

When I was younger my cousin ToolShop came to live with us. She came up from Grenada to take care of us and to go to school. I found her almost abusive in her care. She used to blame us for every problem she had, she never hit me, but I didn't like her at all. My sister however, thought she was a great babysitter. She thought any time she yelled at us, we had it coming. She had no problem with her.

When ToolShop went back to Grenada, she left under not so great circumstances. As a kid, I thought I knew why she left, although it didn't make much sense to me. Recently I asked my mom what the real story was. It blew my mind. I didn't even grasp 50% of what was going on. My mom tried to keep it from us, yes, but some things I thought you just couldn't hide. Apparently you can.

ToolShop recently added me on Facebook. I wasn't sure I wanted to add her because I still had some residual bitterness running through me. I mentioned this to my cousin and I talked to him about what happened. He said one line that totally changed the way I was looking at it. He said "She was a kid taking care of kids". It really made me think about things and look at her in a different light. And after almost 20 years, I'm sure she has grown up.

I mean, I have too.

-J

2011-01-16T20:55:00.002-05:00

Open Letter

I hate that about you.

You do it all the time and you don't understand how it gets under my nerves. Sometimes I wonder how I don't let it get between us. Every day that goes by I feel it push me away from you more and more. Yet, I have never told you that it bothers me. I, as I always do, put my feelings aside. And I'm starting to resent you for it. I shouldn't, because I didn't say anything to you, but I can't help it. What do I do, tell you now after all this time, or keep it in and try and get over it. Lose Lose either way in my books. And if I do decide to let it out what then? The pink elephant will still be pink, and will still be an elephant. I can't move it by myself, and even with your help, I still don't think we could get rid of it. So there it will sit, growing by the day, until it takes up the whole room. Better that I swallow it a little at a time, and hope I don't choke in the process. You'll never be the wiser anyways.

I love you.

-J

2011-01-03T21:34:00.002-05:00

HNY/HBD

I've been meaning to blog since my birthday. And I have finally found the motivation now. And its kinda interesting too because my post I wanted to write then was about new years resolutions. See I sort of look at my birthday as my New Years. The actual new years really doesn't do anything for me. But as I was telling a guy at work my birthday is the perfect time of the year for it to be my new years day. My birthday to new years is my strategic planning phase. Once the real new years comes we get into the implementation phase of whatever I want to do. And then by August, September, and October, whatever I wanted to do should be done by then, so we get into the review phase and look over what I have and haven't done. This year is special too because it is my 30th year. I never usually feel anything about my age or any of those 'milestone' birthdays, but I am definitely feeling it this year. I am usually an analytical, pensive person, but I feel like this year its gonna be a lot of thinking and meditating. I already feel like I'm reviewing my life up to this point and looking at where I'm going as well. I feel like this year is some kind of tipping point or critical nexus in my life. The events of this year will set the tone for the rest of my life.

I was talking to Ppip the other day and I was telling her that I don't feel like I am adult enough. I am turning 30 this year and I still feel like I think like I did when I was 21. I'm not sure what I could do differently, but I don't feel like I am where I should be. She asked me about marriage and kids. I feel like they are so not realities in my life. I feel like they will definitely not be happening soon. But if these things are things that I want, should I not be readying myself for them, because they could show up at an moment.

I think that the first part of what I want to accomplish this year. I am going to start looking for ways to be more of an adult. If it is possible to implement them in my own life then I will. The second part of what I want to accomplish is to get to know my family and heritage better. I am planning on traveling to the motherland for 3 weeks during the summer, and I already have some literature to get through. I'm not sure what else I will be doing, but I know it is going to be something that will be a life long endeavour.

And hopefully by doing those two things I will learn more about myself, as I'm always trying to do.

-J

2010-12-14T19:26:00.004-05:00

Christmas List

For those who want to know:

The Golden City, By John Twelve Hawks
Who Fears Death, By Nnedi Okorafor
24, Season 8 (or if you really love me the complete series set :) )
A Spice Grinder like This
Che (The Movie)
Fidel and Che, by Henry Reid
Blake (or the Huts of America), by Martin R. Delany
The City & The City, By China Mieville
Battle Royal, by Koushun Takami
Million Little Mistakes or Pretty Little Mistakes, Both by Heather Mcelhatton
334, by Thomas M. Disch
Chef's Knife (Preferably 8 inches, but 6 will do)

More to come...

-J

2010-10-28T20:16:00.002-04:00

My Lightning Strike Secret

So I know I gave a shout out on my BaitBook, but I figured I would do another here. So people truly understand how serious I am about this one. Also I want to make sure that those who don't have my FB can get turned on to this.

So how did I get turned on to him? I was in HMV looking for a second CD to go with my 2 for $25 Bob Marley greatest hits CD that I wanted to get. They started playing the CD over the loud speaker and I heard the first song and started digging it. When the second song came on I asked the guy working there who it was. He told me it was Mayer Hawthorne and hes out of Detroit with a soul revival sound. It just so happened that his CD was also 2 for $25. By the 3rd song I was sold. When I listened to the whole CD I was in love. I recently saw him in concert live at the Opera House, and man was that amazing. His music was truly made for me. Take a listen and enjoy.

Mayer Hawthorne - Maybe So, Maybe No

Maybe you listen to it, maybe you don't, I hope you do.

-J

2010-10-07T21:01:00.002-04:00

Random Thoughts

- If you don't like commuting, you don't like free stuff. In the last year I have gotten a box of spaghetti, a Mr. Noodle soup bowl, a apple fruit sac, cookies, a hardcover copy of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, juice, shampoo, and more.

- I have finally joined 2010. Digital cable and data on my phone. Being able to watch football any time of day is a beautiful thing.

- And to the last point, bbm is soft. I was texting more than I use bbm before I had it. bbm is only a half step up. People who get addicted to bbm didn't text enough.

- Blackberry Torch or Samsung Captivate? I can't decide.

- Why is an online course more work than an in class one?

- Why is cereal so great?

- Being sick sucks, even if it does get you a day off.

- I'm becoming a hermit and I'm starting to enjoy it.

-J

2010-09-19T22:17:00.002-04:00

6 - 406 - 8126+ and Beyond

Another weird title from this blog. What does it mean? In order: number of years, number of posts (not including this one) and number of hits, this blog has had since its creation. Its funny to think that I have been doing the blogging thing for 6 years. I can't even remember why I started this thing. I know at the time I was going through a lot and it was a good way of getting things off my chest. At that time I don't think there was anyone I trusted enough to talk to about everything I was going through, so when I really needed to vent, I could always do it here. Fast forward to today and I am on track to break a record for least posts in a year by a wide margin. Unless I blog just over 1.3 times a week, which I can't see happening, I will come in under.

My blogging motivation is at an all time low. Most of the time when I think to blog, the topic is the same. To be honest, I think in the past I have written a similar post to this one on at least 2 different occasions. I am definitely not the same person who needed this blog 6 years ago. So I have been wondering what to do about it. Do I jettison it? Do I keep it and hope to find things to write on it? Do I start a new one or try to morph it into one of those themed blogs. As of right now I am certainly undecided. I don't feel a huge motivation to make a decision any time soon. I hope that I can stick with some of the new things that I am interested in as long as I have stuck with this.

There are so many aspects of my life that I don't know where I'm going but I'm not worried, they will work themselves out.

-J

2010-09-19T00:47:00.002-04:00

Does any one still...

Eat Fluff?
Go to Playdium?
Have a pager?
Have an AOL subscription?
Say Still?
Wear LA Gear?
Watch the Price is Right?
Eat Teddy Grahams?
Understand?

-J

2010-09-07T19:21:00.002-04:00

Interest-things

Let's try something for a second. I want you to think about your favourite thing. Doesn't matter what it is but just your favourite thing. And now I want you to think of your favourite interest. Maybe its the same thing maybe not. What do you like to do, or are you interested in? Do you got those two things in your head? If you think you might not remember, write them down. Got it? Good.

Now I want you to think of all the people you are close with. Friends, family, co-workers, etc. All the people that you talk to, socialize with and like to a certain degree. That guy at work that you talk to about Big Brother doesn't count. you Go Train crush doesn't count. Your Tante/Tita Juana doesn't count unless you talk to her/see her more than once every two weeks. Got that list? Good.

How many people on that list are genuinely interested in or genuinely like the two things you chose above? Do you discuss those things with certain people? How may of those people know more about it than you? Or are you the one people come to when they want to know more about that thing?

I was organizing my room yesterday, and I got my bookshelf into a somewhat organized state. My books are 2 deep in most places, but I know relatively where mostly everything is. And I realized that very few people have probably read as much as I have. I counted almost 200 book and those are jut the ones i've read in the past 3 years. I also realized of those people I know who do read, almost none of them would even consider picking up ever 25% of the books that I currently own. This is an issue for me, a person who love to share books that I liked with other people, and hopefully find out what they think of them and discuss the things discussed in the book.

A lot of my interests run in this manor. Even in high school my friends had coined the term a 'J Girl' cause my tastes ran so differently from all the rest of the guys I hung around with. there was a time when I really struggled with this. I think now I revel in the fact that I'm different, sometimes even proliferating those traits in myself. And then again, no matter how original your tastes run, there will always be someone out there willing to join you in them (just ask Paul Bernardo).

Its just a shame the only person who will be enriched by my books are me.

-J

2010-07-18T21:29:00.002-04:00

Loved by Many... Hated on by Many

I went to a co-workers house for another co-workers birthday. It is always interesting to see co-workers outside of the office setting. Especially when there is alcohol involved. As a person who does not drink, its always interesting to see how dynamics change, how personalities change when people get a bit of liquid courage into them.

The birthday girl happens to be one of my better friends at work (using the term friend as loosely as possible). She is always telling me that she tells people at work how smart I am. And even last night her sister told me how she told her how cool I am. I have a good amount of people who tell me how great I am. I just don't see what they see. I had a coach tell me today how much better his son is from having been coached by me.

I don't know what I do to leave these impressions on people. I just been myself, do what I do and people say things that frankly embarrass me. On top of the embarrassment is the pressure. Once people start thinking of you as great, they expect you to be great. Which means you have to be great. And being great is not easy. Or at least being great is not supposed to be easy.

I don't think people realize how big a pressure expectation can be. On Friday I watched The Program (which BTW is one of the best sports movies of all time). The quarterback was becoming an alcoholic because of the pressure of living up to his Heisman hype. You see these themes pop up time and time again in movies and literature. It does because it is a reality of like. But it is funny how little people recognize it in their own behavior. My life has been significantly affected by this type of pressure. And it still is being influenced by it.

I wish everyone would see me the way I see me. Or at least could take a more measured approach. I wonder what I do to inspire such devotion or admiration. And I still don't know what the answer to that question is. If I did. I could control the response and keep it to those I feel really deserve it. Yes I said deserve it. Its just not worth having some people really like you. And as I said above too much adoration is not for the faint of heart.

Too much of a good thing really isn't good for you.

-J

2010-07-04T16:08:00.002-04:00

The Phantom of Abelard

"Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . ."

Think of Me - Phantom of the Opera

The other day,
Someone asked about you
The other day
I had a dream about you
Some time I wonder
If I ever cross your mind
Cause you cross mine
I am forced to go places
Where you have been
Reminders of you
Lurk everywhere
I try to not let it affect me
Try not to let it change me
But I am already changed
You are already inscribed on my consciousness
Already a part of my experience
My history
However brief that inscription is
As with anything
That inscription will fade
one day it will be illegible
But still I wonder
If you would like to etch it deeper
If that inscription means anything to you
Even though I would rather not give you access to that inscription
It means a lot to me
And even though I would rather that it didn't

It and you are now a part of me

-J

2010-06-20T19:29:00.002-04:00

Things That Make Me Go Hmmmmm...

If Kobe wins 7 championships, is he the best player of all time?
If Roy Halladay had spent the past 7 years on the Phillies, would he be considered for the best pitcher of all time?
If GSP and Silva were the same weight class, who would win?
If I had passed up the full time job at the end of my contract, where would I be?
If Shawn Kemp and Crack never met, would he be HOF?
If Russel was on the jury, who would he have voted for?

If I got rid of my blog, would anyone miss it?

-J

2010-05-24T19:35:00.002-04:00

High School Daze

Yesterday was the christening of Slinks' fourth child, his first daughter. She is super cute, I don't find many kids cute, but she is frickin' adorable. It was at a church near my house, it has been there all of my life, but I have never been before. I can remember driving by there when I was a kid and wondering about the building, but I had never gone in until yesterday.

But that is just the buildup for the real topic of this post. Upon entering I saw this guy that I knew from high school. He was one of those people who was a losers loser. One of those people that were a consensus in terms of being made fun of. He looked even more like a loser, tight shirt, even tighter pants, his head looked like Bonk from Turbo Graphics 16. I told my friend and he saw him an died of laughter.

I have said many times over the past few years that I had always thought that when I finished high school and I left, that I would have left everything to do with high school behind. I was sadly wrong. At work there are people who still operate as if they were in high school. There are people I know who still structure their lives as if they were in high school. Others who still do things that people my age wouldn't do but are common to high school. And I always wonder how they do it. I guess some people just don't want to grow up ever. For some I'm sure that that was the best time of their lives and they are still trying to keep it going. For others I guess they have not ever moved past it.

I mean even look at me. I saw that guy and it was so easy to fall back into that pattern. Granted, he was a huge loser in high school. But that was 10 years ago. I have no idea who he is now and what his life is like now, I have no idea who he is. I judged him totally on what I saw and that is is a very high school thing to do. I always thought that I was so much past my high school days, that I was so much more mature and above all of it.

Guess not eh?

-J

2010-05-13T19:58:00.003-04:00

The Element of Greatness

Just in case *someone* still doubts, lets look at the stats:

Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey (1990) - Classic
Emotions (1991) - Classic
Music Box (1993) - Classic
Merry Christmas (1994) - Classic
Daydream (1995) - Classic
Butterfly (1997) - Meh
Rainbow (1999) - Ok
Glitter (2001) - Terrible
Charmbracelet (2002) - Terrible
The Emancipation of Mimi (2005) - Ok
E=MC² (2008) - Ok
Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel (2009) - Ok

6 years - 5 Classic albums
12 years - 4 OK albums

Alicia Keys

Songs in A Minor (2001) - Classic
The Diary of Alicia Keys (2003) - Classic
As I Am (2007) - Ok
The Element of Freedom (2009) - Meh

8 Years - 2 classic albums, 1 Ok album

And just to indulge my self...

Mary J Blige

1992: What's the 411? - Classic
1994: My Life - Classic
1997: Share My World - Classic
1999: Mary - Classic
2001: No More Drama - Ok
2003: Love & Life - Meh
2005: The Breakthrough - Meh
2007: Growing Pains - Ok
2009: Stronger with Each Tear - Meh

7 years - 4 Classic albums
8 years - 2 OK albums

I think the facts are clear.

-J

2010-05-07T22:42:00.002-04:00

Butterfly in the Sky, I Can go Twice as High

Lately I have been looking up at planes flying over head.

I remember being a kid and hearing planes flying overhead and looking up at them and being in awe. I live not far from an airport so airplanes are not exactly a uncommon occurrence. I recall this one time my dad saying something about seeing a plane overhead and it probably being kilometers away, over a city like Calgary. At that moment I imagined my aunt who lives in Calgary and I looking at the same plane at the same time. Life held many small wonders like that. The way potato bugs congregated under rocks and would curl up into a perfect sphere when you touched them. The fact that we lived in the capital of Ontario. As I grew up, bigger wonders were revealed to me, about the world, and about me. And in the meantime I lost touch with those small wonders. The small details of life just started to pass me by.

Lately I have realized that these small wonders are worth paying attention to. I think it is these small wonders are what is being referred to in the phrase "stop and smell the roses". The smell of a rose is a wonderful thing. But if you don't put your nose right up to it and take a whiff, you will never experience that smell. And I think these small wonders are crucial to our well being. Jesus said "unless you ... become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3 NASB). We can't truly appreciate life with an adult outlook. Every now and then we (well I need to anyways) take a step back from life and see things in the eyes of a child. Truly appreciate the wonder that surrounds us, cause its everywhere we look.

And so I look up at airplanes.

-J

2010-04-26T21:08:00.002-04:00

Update

I promised you an update, so here we go.

Octal and I have this running joke. Whenever we chill, he will ask me how everything, and what's new. And I instantly respond with "nothing". Usually I really mean it (usually). But then later on, I will remember (or casually mention) something that I think is irrelevant, but that he thinks is a game changer.

Its funny cause lately the script has been the same but after I say nothing, that's it. There is lots going on in my life. I have work, school, football. I am hanging out with friends, and pursuing interests. However, there is nothing exciting going on, there is nothing out of the ordinary. I am living a comfortable and ordinary existence. I have no excitement really happening, and no drama either.

The definition of rut is "a fixed or established mode of procedure or course of life, usually dull or unpromising". I think I am in a rut right now. But I think that I wouldn't call it dull or unpromising. I think it is quite promising an a few different levels. And I don't know if I would say dull. Unchanging, yes. Dull, no.

I'm not naive enough to think that nothing will change, but I'm just existing for now, enjoying what I can from my existence. I don't think I have been this comfortable in a long time.

I guess this state, for me, is extraordinary in its own way.

-J

2010-04-11T22:24:00.004-04:00

My Secret Anthem

Its kinda sad that my blog is getting filled up with YouTube videos. But I haven't had anything really compelling to say. I will be jumping in with an update sooner than later so look out for that.

The song I am putting up today, to me, is one of the best hip hop songs of all time. Its also a song that I really got into when it came out, especially because of its message. The video was also very awesome. I was driving in my car yesterday and I was listening to this song and I realized how this song kind of defines me. The principles and the ethic is something that was imparted to me as a child and that I try to embody today. I think it also exemplifies the revolutionary blood that runs through my family and that I am so proud of. They Just don't make hip hop like this anymore. If you listen to this, I want you to really listen to the words, they will give you a glimpse into my soul. Enjoy.

You Can't Stop the Prophet - Jeru The Damaja

The saga continues...

-J

2010-04-04T17:34:00.002-04:00

Love? Actually Not.

Love Actually - Starring Hugh Grant and Liam Neeson ... What can I say about this movie? ... For the first half of the movie, I was trying to figure out what was going on and what the movie was all about ... After about an hour I fell asleep ... When I woke up, I realized that I had seen a chunk of this move before on TV ... I was surprised to see I had known it before ... I had to finish it the next day after a full nights sleep ... that's what I get for starting it at 11pm ... On to the 5 aspects ...

1) Plot: What plot? It was a bunch of story lines, some I cared about more than others. I can't even say they brought them together in the end. they all just happened to end in the same place. Its sad because the one I was most interested in involved a Widower and his elementary school son who thought he was in love.

2) Characters: There were a few characters that I genuinely liked. The father and son team mentioned above, the old singer (He was the only adult that was genuinely entertaining), the Prime Minister's girl was mildly hot ... umm that's about it. There were also some characters I genuinely hated. The "going to America" guy and his "black" sidekick, the Prime Minister, the guy with the poster cards (who the hell tells their best friend's wife that they are in love with them).

3) Soundtrack: I don't really remember much of the music. The song the old guy was singing was killing me, probably because of the music video for it. The girl who sang at the end was mad talented. I looked her up and she is turning 18 this year and looking for a record deal. I'm a sucker for Christmas carols, and I really don't remember much from this movie. Oh Well.

4) Acting: Some put in better performances than others. Most of the kids did an excellent job. Some of the adults that were in there, I'm not sure why they were cast. And some of them I wonder if they put on a British accent for this movie, or if they took it off for others. This category contains the one redeeming aspect of the movie, it contained my white actress crush, Keira Knightley.

5) Ending: Anyone who knows me knows that the ending to a movie is very important. It can make or break a movie for me. The body of the movie can override an ending for me, but that very rarely happens (Law Abiding Citizen is the only example I can think of). That being said, the ending of this movie is one of the better parts, for two reasons: 1 It does a good job of summing up all the different aspects of love (I also like the fact that despite the homogeneous ethic makeup of the movie, the clips at the end are pretty eclectic), and 2 it signals that this torturous experience is over.

I understand what the director and screenwriter was going for ... And I applaud it ... they did cover some more obscure aspects of love ... but over all I feel like it was not successful ... frankly I was quite bored and didn't care about most of the characters ... the stories never came together ... and they had so many they never really dived into any of them deep enough (probably why I never cared about the characters enough) ... So I guess I should give this a rating as well ... I only recently deciphered J-Smooth's rating system, so I guess I should use that ... This movie would've not gotten a terrible score, but I have decided to deduct .1 for every time two people stand and stare into each others eyes or run and jump into the other persons arms ... Score: 0.5/5

This is to fulfill the terms of the contract signed March 17, 2010

-J

2010-02-25T20:11:00.007-05:00

The Moody Secret

I promise to try to never write a post while I am in bed or sleepy again. For some reason all logic and syntax goes away. I need to be fully conscious when I'm posting.

Any who, I just wanted to drop a song on you guys for three reasons. 1) The song is great. 2) The video is a work of art in itself. 3) It speaks to my mood. If only all videos had this much thought and effort put into them. I was listening to this song on the way home and realized how great this song is, how great this video is, and how great this album is. That's all for now.

Gnarls Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul Now

I'm still looking.

-J

2010-02-14T23:07:00.002-05:00

The Road to (and from) Companionship

So Today is Valentines day. Its funny cause I don't remember the last time that I celebrated it. But on the flip side, I also don't remember the last time I spent it alone. I have some very good memories of special things done on those days. I don't really buy into the commercial hype of the holiday, but any chance I got to show the person that I loved that I cared, I took it.

But this year I don't have that special someone. And I'm bitter about it. I'm not even sure why I'm bitter. Last year around this time I had a conversation with one of my friends about this. He is perennially single at these times, and he is also very bitter. So I asked him, if he's bitter, what is he doing about it, and he said nothing. I, to this day, still don't understand, but to each their own.

I recognize the short coming in myself, but there is nothing I can't do about it. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but I can't help it. Loneliness is now my companion and I'm trying to cope with him being around all the time now. And lord knows I was also trying to remedy the situation in other ways, but that never panned out. I think I will be alone for a while, so I'm settling in for the long haul. This may be the longest haul of my life. And that fills me with calm, not fear. Somethings are just not meant to happen to some people.

Happy Valentines day to you.

-J

2010-02-09T21:57:00.003-05:00

The Secret Inside

I have no idea if I have posted this song yet, but this is how I have been feeling lately. Now that Valentine's day is right around the corner, I feel it is fitting. Enjoy.

Write a Letter to Myself - The Chi-Lites

We don't write enough letters nowadays.

-J

2010-01-24T22:51:00.002-05:00

Alice in Wonder(land)

Today, when you woke up, you (hopefully!) went to the washroom and brushed your teeth, maybe washed your face and did your hair. When you looked in the mirror, what did you see? When you see your reflection, what does it look like? Do you like what you see? Is it always what you expect? Or are you ever surprised? When was the last time you ever REALLY looked in that mirror? When was the last time you took the time to go over what you see, bit by bit, and took stock of what you saw? Why is it so easy look in that mirror and to overlook whats really there? Whatever is not seen wont kill, but may be paralyzing, or shock inducing. But its there for a reason. And it will keep on getting overlooked because that is the easy way out.

Guess whats why my bathroom has no mirror eh?

-J

2010-01-17T10:27:00.002-05:00

My Life on the B(ad) List

First off, If you read my last post, I apologize. I started writing the post right before bed time and somewhere in the middle My brain shut off an the sense in the article just went away. I read it the next day and I had no idea what I was thinking. But I am going to leave it up there as a reminder of what happens when I try to do things when I should be sleeping.

As for this post, I'm fairly sure I have broached this topic before, but I'm doing it again. Too bad. I think I am a great actor. On a weekly basis I play a few roles that I am very familiar with. These include: "Fun Guy", "Funny Guy" and the ever oh so important ""Has it Together Guy".

Maybe its jut me, but in our society it is unacceptable to be sad, angry, etc. Even the bums on the street are expected to be cheery and non threatening, or else they are labeled a menace and shitted on. "Put a grin on and bear it" is a well known and accepted phrase in North American society. But think about the implications of that phrase. It is basically saying, what every you are feeling is less important than having a smile on your face and you should take whatever comes your way on the chin.

This as implications in many facets of my life. When I'm at work, I have to put on a happy face because if you don't, you draw attention to yourself, and you are seen in a negative light. When I hang out with my friends, no one wants to hang out with a malcontent. When I meet someone new, you have to project the idea of being stable and happy, cause negative people suck.

It has recently taken on a new dimension in my life. I have friends who either I have marginalized or they have marginalized their role in my life. And yet they still want to know what is going on and want to know how I'm doing. And I feel like they don't deserve that any longer. And as such they get one of the roles played for them. It is very annoying to have to do it too, because in most cases, I want to share with them. If I felt they weren't worth any of my time, I wouldn't even give them that courtesy. And yet they seem none the wiser. I guess it reinforces the justification for the marginalization. If you deserved more, you would know your not getting enough. I reserve my true self for the people who deserve it. And the people who deserved it, earned it.

I'm overall tired of the acting. I guess I would choose to give it up, but then I would probably be unemployed and friendless. And that would be worse than having to smile through some pain every now and them. Things like this are supposed to build character right?

No pun intended.

-J

2010-01-14T22:52:00.002-05:00

Refusing to Play the Game

My life now a long string of revelations. It seems every now and then I get an epiphany about who I am, where I am and where my life is going. God works in mysterious ways, and I am not convinced more than ever that he is working on me.

I was sitting in a meeting this week with My boss and My boss' boss, the VP. I was listening to him talk and I realized a large contributor to my dislike of my job. The VP is the ultimate corporate politician. He is constantly maneuvering and positioning, and currying favours throughout the company. I don't know how much it is working, but he is always on point. Any opportunity to make himself look better, or to push one of his own personal agenda's he will take. He went so far as to admit in a meeting recently, with a consultant no doubt, that he was trying to curry favour with another VP. He like to micromanage to make sure that everything is spin just the way he likes it.

Personally I find this repugnant. I hate the fact that he is always using these weasel tactics to try and move forward. I hate the fact that he feels the need to have put in work on something that is going up the chain. I hate the fact that he only wants to be involved in things as long as they are high profile. I think a job is something to put work into and do well, not as something that is strictly a conduit to getting a better job and getting a better strategy.

I refuse to get involved in corporate politics. When I do things, I do them because I believe in them. And when I don't I do them because I was told. But no matter what the reason, I always give 100% and I always try to do things to the best of my ability.

Now I am guilty of letting my attention wander, and not being as motivated as I should, but I know 99.9% of my work gets done on time and properly. The other 0.01% gets lost, so no one needs to worry about it, LOL.

And this is the reason that I have never felt like I fit in in business. There was a guy in a meeting yesterday that is not as old as I am, and he walked the walk and talked the talk. And when I go into meetings I feel like a pretender. And it is because I don't see myself as one of them. And I don't think I ever will. I wonder how long it would take for me to become one of them by association.

I certainly hope not.

-J

2010-01-03T01:28:00.002-05:00

Its that Time of the Year

So I have to write the obligatory "year end/new year" post cause that's what us bloggers do. I actually have had a number of post topics floating around in my head, which is very unusual. Its funny though, because over the last little while so many people I know have been in a funk. You would figure with the holidays, people would be cheerful and in the spirit. Most people I know were bah humbugging all over the place. It was weird to have to be supporting others at this time of the year, and not just participating in the cheer/joy orgy. And now that we are into the new year, the sadness and stress has settled on to my hefty shoulders.

I have really only lived through two complete decades, and this is the end of the second one. Looking at where things are, I don't think I ever really imagined being where I am right now. But then again, I don't think I ever really imagined where I would be now, when I was younger. I find it hard to distinguish myself from the myself of 2000, even though I know that there are significant changes that happened. I'm not even sure if that me would recognize this me, if they were to ever meet.

This past year has been characterized by struggle. The things I used to enjoy, now come with a hefty price tag. One that no longer always gets paid. And I am the one who gets stuck holding the bill. Changes have come and go and I have had to adapt. And I am still adapting, much to my chagrin. I got some significant things accomplished, and am still working towards others. The path ahead of me is revealing itself to me, although I am still unsure if this is the path I chose for myself, or if it is one provided for me.

And here I sit, early in the morning, still wondering about me. Wondering if the wondering will ever stop. I am no longer who I was even a month a go. Who knows who I will be in a month. This past year was characterized by loss, significant things gone, missing in action. Who knows what this new year (and new decade) will bring. Hopefully I will be around to see many more.

This totally didn't turn out to be what I wanted it to be, sorta like the year (decade).

-J

2009-12-21T22:49:00.001-05:00

WOW

The world cheers.

And I cry.

-J

2009-11-29T10:05:00.002-05:00

Ciao

I hate greetings and departures. I figured I would just put it out there right at the jump. Especially in social settings. You have to remember peoples names, shake hands with some people, hug others, smile, make eye contact, etc. For someone as socially awkward as me, this is a Rubik's cube. I've never been good a this type of etiquette, and it always leaves me feeling judged. This even happens with my own family sadly. I used to dread having to go to a family party and having to greet all the aunts and uncles, especially since my siblings can do it so effortlessly, and I had to struggle through it. I know a few people who make it seem so easy, but I guess it is an extension of their overall charisma and social butterfly status. While mine is an extension of my overall social inadequacy. I usually have to make up for those greetings later on.

I wish you had more than one chance to make a first impression.

-J

2009-11-15T21:42:00.004-05:00

Dos Ocho

So I came in under a month, but it still took a little while for another post. But today is the anniversary of the dawning of the age of Jularious, so I figured I needed to write something. I have not traditionally made any extraordinary efforts to post on my birthday, but today I decided that I wanted to write something.

This year has flown by. It feels like yesterday I was sitting in Fire of the East Side, thinking that a corner had been turned and a new day was coming. One year later, and things have not turned out the way I expected them to. Not that that is a bad thing, I think I can look back and take heart about the way this year has unfolded. However I do feel that this year has largely passed me by. I don't know where all the months have gone, and I don't know what happened to all the things I wanted to do. I'm here one year older, I'm not sure what else.

Because this year has seemed so fast, it has forced me to reflect even harder on the year, cause I have had to struggle to remember all that has happened. While this reflection has been going on, current events have forced me to look at things that are going on around me. So this post is not about all the revelations of the year (there haven't been many to be honest) but about the little things that I have noticed over my birthday weekend:

- Someone going all out on a gift for you and sitting down for a meal with you, when they are pissed off at you, is a truer sign of love than I have seen in a while.

- A flinch of a finger catching the attention of 6 people at a table, signifies the power of new born life.

- My 28th and his 6 week birthday landing on the same day made it sink in and hit home, in a major way.

- Acceptance from parents who don't know me, and have no reason care, but give it because I am a friend to their daughter, shows that sometimes the way I look doesn't matter as much as I think it does.

- Getting gifts that are exactly what you want, from people who you didn't expect to get anything from, makes you feel appreciated.

- Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a sick fucking car.

- Watching film is so very enlightening, it gives you a whole better perspective of the game, and shows how bad my perspective during the game is sometimes.

- No matter how hard you try to force something, sometimes you just gotta let it happen.

- Most of the time, when you are looking for something, you don't have to look far, its right in front of your face.

It's been a good day and a good weekend, I think I can finally say overall things are good.

-J

2009-10-19T21:03:00.002-04:00

Paradise Lost

Its been a little while since I've been around. I just haven't had anything to write about really. Lately I have really been questioning if I want to continue this blog. I always go through lulls and peaks in my writing motivation. But this is the first time that it has waned to zero. I have had no material whatsoever since my last post. But I'm here for now and maybe I will be hitting a new peak, now that I've hit rock bottom. It would only be fitting.

Have you ever had a friend that you have known for a long time, and then one day you realize you don't really know that person? Or maybe you do know them and you realize that you don't like them as much as you thought you did? Or maybe you see a side of them that you are just not a fan of? And what about the opposite, you know the person for a long time, and then one day you realize that they don't know you? They demonstrate that they don't understand your personality or how you operate, when you think that they should? Situations that you have been through before they react to with incredulity, as if they have never seen you act that way?

I think I am a simple guy. My personality is pretty straight forward. There are lots of people who don't really see me for me. But there are others that I expect that from. So to not get it is kinda disappointing. I do think to know me is to love me. But how many people truly know me?

How would you react?

-J

2009-09-14T20:14:00.002-04:00

My Surprising Secret

I don't think I have written anything about Solange. As you can see from my last post I was listening to her and got some inspiration. Yes I was listening to her album. Yes it was Solange's album. Why you ask? Cause its damn good. Solange has made a great pop/R&B album, best I've heard in a while. I was skeptical too when I fist go it, but she made me a believer. And she did it properly, got some great talent and brought them into the studio. And the result was great. The song I copied is my favourite on the album. Here I will give you my second favourite song. A very close second. But as I always say, check out the album. No, Really, check it out. You WILL like it.

Solange - Would've been the one

This one has no relation to my life, just a great song.

-J

2009-09-09T19:16:00.002-04:00

Expressive

I'm racking up quite the impressive list of material. I recently had the most brilliant strike of inspiration. I hesitated posting it on here cause I wondered what it would say about me. Would it make me seem weak, soft, hung up? I think all it really says is that I am in touch with my feelings. I think the song is not my best work, but it is quite fitting for my current situation. And it is based on a song that I am currently loving right now. I hope you Enjoy.

E.B.B.Y. (Based on the song T.O.N.Y. by Solange)

Verse 1:
E.B.B.Y. don't call no more
No not at all no more
Maybe works been busy all along
Or maybe God's calling and the thrill is gone
I'm very sure that I feel neglected
And I'm not in a rush to feel rejected
Not by E.B.B.Y.

E.B.B.Y. don't care no more
She doesn't want the heart she tore
I just wanna know what I did wrong
Its stupid that I made this song
And I have these nights way too often
I wish I could take my mind off it
But I really miss E.B.B.Y.

Chorus:
And this wasn't just something small just to try
E.B.B.Y.'s actually Every Blind Binge, oh Why

I could've been in love right now
If it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.
Ooh, I could've been in love by now
If it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.

Verse 2:
Me and E.B.B.Y. don't speak no more
It's almost been 3 months oh no
My the time it goes so fast
Know I'll be the one to call her ass
To other girls I am very attracted
And to them I have reacted
But I really miss E.B.B.Y.

But then E.B.B.Y. called me one day
She said that she just called to say hey
And I so wish she wouldn't call me back
But I realize I want much more than that
I'm a lot wiser and so much bolder
Hey baby it was nice to know ya
Good bye E.B.B.Y.

Chorus

Bridge:
I don't go with every whim no more
Now I'm feeling free (I'm feeling free)
My head, my big heart told me (what it say?)
That will set you free (That will set you free)

So I'm moving on (I'm moving)
Yes I'm moving on (I'm going, oh, other fish to fry)
So I'm moving on (I'm going)
Yes I'm moving on (I'm leaving, I miss you baby)

Still this wasn't something small just to try
E.B.B.Y.'s actually Every Blind Binge
Yeah, if it wasn't for E.B.B.Y.
Ooh, could`ve been in love by now
If it wasn`t for E.B.B.Y.

Maybe one day I will record all these songs and put them on the Internet, just for the hell of it.

-J

2009-08-31T20:04:00.002-04:00

Return of the Mack

I know I've been away for a while, I have had so much on my mind, so much that I have wanted to put down, but I just have been so unmotivated. That and I just recently started coaching again, and I'm still trying to readjust to being busy again.

One topic that has been on my mind lately kinda scares me. I recently attended my first wake. One of the coaches that I coached with in the past recently died. He was 39. He had undiagnosed Lupus and one day he just wasn't feeling that well. He was admitted to the hospital and 2 weeks later he was gone. Many of the coaches are taking it pretty hard. We had one coach who went on a 20 minute rant because he felt the kids were disrespecting the dead coaches name. I have to admit I didn't know him that well and his passing hasn't hit me that hard. But it has had me thinking about the people in my life and myself as well. Tomorrow your mother, sister, brother, friend, co-worker, could be gone. Tomorrow you could be gone. Does everyone you know, know how you feel about them? The people who really matter to you, have you shown them how much you appreciate them?For me it really hits home because I have aunts who are pushing 80, Hopefully they will be around for another 30 years, but you never know. It even has me thinking about my health, and my weight, and my fitness level, what I eat and how I live. Its kinda sad that its taken something like this for me to think about these things.

But that's not really what scares me. Lets take this post on a weird turn. Think about the past year. Think about how many people (famous and otherwise) who have died. I think pretty much everyone I know has lost someone they knew this year. And in the past 6 months I think at least 10 celebrities have died. 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world, according to the Mayan calender. Could this be it? I find it highly unusual that this many people could die in such a short period of time. I don't really think the world is ending, but it does give me pause. I'm going to keep my eye on who else dies in the near future. Hopefully no one close to me, God willing.

Everything happens for a reason, I just wonder what the reason is for this.

-J

2009-08-03T20:34:00.002-04:00

The Weekend

It is now Monday night, and the weekend is almost over. As I look back over it, I think about my prediction from Friday. When someone asked me what I was doing for the weekend, I responding by saying I had a feeling that this weekend would be one of those weekends that I wouldn't know what the weather outside was like. Well I could tell you what the weekend weather was like. But only, for the most part, the weather was it was outside my house.

On Saturday I went to the Argos game (which was a good game by the way). I took the Go bus downtown and took it back after the game. That was the last time I left the house for the weekend. Today I barbecued, which is a event for me, but it was me in the house by myself. I even finished a book this weekend, that's how much free time I've had.

A lot of my friends have been out and about this weekend, partying, and having fun. Others I have no idea what they did this weekend. But I know I have been shut up in the house. I know I have no one to blame but myself, and I'm not quite sure what to do. I am not that guy who parties any more. Clubs hold no lure for me. Restaurants are tired. So what is there to do? I have been offered a coaching spot for the fall. I'm not sure if I am going to take it, because I'm not sure if I want to tie up all the time it takes for that. And I know that it doesn't alleviate the feelings that I have.

This weekend feels like such a waste. And yet, I don't think I could see myself doing anything else. There are somethings that I think I should've done, somethings that I I just realized I wanted to get to and never did. And tomorrow I will be at work, wishing that I was here, the end of the weekend dread is rising inside of me as we speak. I'm not complaining, I'm just stating how I feel.

Ahh, the life we live eh?

-J

2009-07-27T22:11:00.003-04:00

It Takes a Village

I think I have a good amount of friends. I remember one day PD broke it down for me. I have my high school friends, elementary school friends, football friends, work friends, and random Blackplanet friends. I am a person that tends to retain friends, sometimes to a fault. I am loyal to my friends and family and I appreciate the roll they play in my life.

Its interesting because I have started to take steps to expand my Internet community. I have recently joined a forum that Slash is a key member of, and I am also commenting on some of the blogs that I have been following. This is the opposite of the normal way that I operate, contrary to popular belief about me (shut up J-Smooth). I tend to not put myself out there, online at least. This is definitely outside of my comfort zone. I even filled out a user made survey about me and I already had to confront how much I wanted to say about myself.

In general on here, you can go through my posts and realize that I take a pretty conciliatory tone to everything. And on Facebook I usually don't post too many of my pics. I'm sure if someone really wanted to investigate they could find out who I am, but I'm not making it easy on them. I guess I will just have to live and learn. I'm not too worried, most of the people I have interacted with seem cool. I'm sure I will get cracked on to no end (my real life friends never pass up a opportunity to take me own a notch) but I'm a big boy, I can handle it.

And if they do take the time to investigate me, well then they deserve whatever they find. :P

-J

2009-07-19T22:20:00.004-04:00

Random Query

A few top of mind questions:

1) Why is the door to guys washrooms always open? In public places the door to the girls washroom is always closed. But yesterday I went to a restaurant, and the guys washroom was open, to the point where you could stand a bit down the hallway and clearly see the Stall and urinal. I don't know about other men, but I like privacy too.

2) Is hedging a prerequisite to getting ahead in the workplace? The VP of my group talks a whole lot, but he does very little. He sees things in a whole lot of ways but he never does anything to where he sees them. And nine times out of ten he doesn't even know how to describe what he sees. If he thinks something is not going to benefit him in some way, he is going to give up on it before anyone else. I don't know how he got to where he is. I hope that doesn't stop me from getting there one day.

3) Why do people play both sides in reality show games? It has been clearly proven that people who stick with their original alliances go far in the game, even when they are a huge threat. From day one, everyone was gunning for Chilltown. But they never faltered on each other and one of them won. People need to do more preparation to win any game they plan on competing in. I learned that lesson a long time ago.

4) How do single people support themselves? I think I make a decent wage, above average probably for where I am in life, but I have looked at how much it takes to own a home & car, and all the other expenses that come along with it. And I'm fairly sure it could never fit into my budget. How do they do it? Do they have money saved up before hand? Is it because they have always been relatively debt free? Or can I do it, and I just don't realize it. I have lived even worse than pay cheque to pay cheque and I do not want to go back there. Maybe I don't want to have that margin be that close ever again.

I'm sure I will have more later, the memory is not what it used to be...

-J

2009-07-12T14:31:00.001-04:00

My Eyes are Being Opened...

...And I don't like what I'm seeing. Not. One. Bit.

-J

2009-07-07T20:56:00.002-04:00

In The Dark

This past weekend, I was alone in a way I haven't been in years. It was very weird. I'm so used to someone being there, even when they are not there. And that wasn't the case. I slipped a few times not realizing that I was alone, I had to remind myself. The alone time ended sooner than I expected, but it showed me that I can handle really being alone. Although I have come to realize that I am glad that I am not. And that I would rather that I wasn't.

I don't have control over everything, but I'm ready for it nonetheless.

-J

2009-06-29T20:41:00.004-04:00

My Wu-Tang Secret

How could I have this series and not feature, and not have a main member of the Wu-Tang? Any one who knows me, knows that Gza is not only my favourite member, but I consider him the best member in terms of skills as well. As a matter of fact, most of the Wu-Tang members would probably consider him the best as well. His album "Liquid Swords" is one of the greatest Wu-Tang solo albums, if not the greatest. I recently discovered some songs off of there on my phone, one in particular that brought back many memories of when I used to pump this album all day. This is Gza at his greatest, spitting raw over a grimy beat, exhibiting all of his lyrical prowess. If you haven't listened to "Liquid Swords" and your a rap fan, you are about 12 years behind. Enjoy!

Gza - Labels

Wu-Tang Forever.

-J

2009-06-23T19:12:00.002-04:00

New Kids on the Block

Yesterday, since we just got back from Cuba, there was nothing for dinner. So I walked to the local pizzeria to get a slice of pizza, a quick fix cause I was running on about 3 hours of sleep. On the way home I turned on to my street to see a large group of kids playing basketball about halfway down the street. If you know anything about my town you know that most of them were Indian.

So what is so blog worthy about a bunch of kids playing basketball over the summer outside? Because this is the first time I've seen kids playing on the street since it was me and my friends playing. Is it a coincidence that this year is my 10 year high school anniversary? It brought back memories of the dawn of Lawnchair, especially since I had a slice of pizza in my hand, which was our food of choice at the time.

So much has changed since then. I'm done school, I have money, I have my license, I no longer have my v card. Do I yearn to go back to those simpler days? Absolutely not. But it is good to reminisce for a minute. And its good to have that youthful presence on the block again. One of the things I always valued about my block was that it was a hub of youth activity throughout all of my childhood years. People used to come from all over to my street, there was always something popping.

I wouldn't mind seeing that tradition upheld, even if I am too old to participate.

-J

2009-06-08T21:03:00.002-04:00

Famine

It is now official, I have been fasting for over a year. I am proud of myself, a year ago I didn't think I would ever be able to go this long. I mean it was made much easier by being committed to someone who doesn't eat. Many of my friends wonder at my ability to have lasted this long with no food, to me it has become just another routine. And once you start eating regularly, you realize that having food all the time is not really that big of a deal. Or really that important or essential.

I think if I really wanted to eat, I could. I could go and find food, never been that good at it but if I really tried, I'm sure I could get some. But I haven't even decided yet if I want to eat just right now. Part of me wants to see if I can push this fast as long as possible. Part of me thinks I should wait for the right food. But is there even anything such as the right food?

I've said it so much, but its true. The past year has been one long learning experience. And the things I've learned have equipped me better to handle everything that has happened lately. And boy have I needed to cope.

I wonder where and when my next meal will be.

-J

2009-05-31T09:51:00.004-04:00

The Gauntlet

I tell her I need to talk to her, so she has to call me. I never do that, yet she does not suspect. She calls and we discuss the events of the day. She is genuinely happy for me, and I am for myself. I speak the words, which render her speechless. Nosiness reigns, but ultimately she is concerned about me. She tells me that the she thinks we haven't heard the last of it. I'm generally inclined to agree.

He comes on MSN, its been a little while since we talked. I know that the question is coming eventually. It always does. We catch up, he reveals some secrets, so I decide to preempt the question and just share. First shock. He asks for details. The details are a conduit to the inevitable bashing. I turn to defend, as I always do. Why? I don't even know anymore. It's not even deserved.

The door to his house is open, I'm very surprised. We get in the car and on our way. There are always ample things to talk about, he is one of the few people who I can have a good conversation with at any time. He asks the question in a way that makes me feel like he was expecting my answer. When it comes its more incredulity than shock. It doesn't last long, and he doesn't ask much. I am surprised he doesn't want to know more.

I know she wont be on long. She drops a bomb on me. I can hardly think, because the unthinkable has happened. I am more than happy for her. I share as well and she voices her concern. I know she has to go right now, so I'm glad I won't have to elaborate. She's never abound much these days, that's how life goes. She tells me to email her, and i tell her to email me and I will respond. It's just easier that way.

I ask her to go to lunch cause she has to know. We sit and order, I'm not looking forward to it. I speak the words, and the shock settles in. The ensuing pity is like a knife across the gut. Although overall it is relatively painless.

The question catches me off guard. I never expected it from him, I have to take a moment to collect myself. The answer catches him as much off guard as the question caught me. To my relief he backs right off. He closes with a deriding comment that wounds my very being. I'm not even sure why I find it so offensive, but it sticks with me.

I get to the front door of the house seems like the party is in full swing. I know I will hardly be able to deflect facing the music for more than a scant few moments. The good news delays them for a while but the question forces its way in as it always does. The answer spreads through the room like wildfire. My head spins, the pain rising like a tide. Some react with disbelief, some with pity, some don't understand so they attempt to craft an appropriate response. The looks disorient me even more, being the centre of attention sucks, especially when its combined with being the centre of pity. The moment passes relatively quickly, but not without its lingering effects. Contributed in large part by all the new happiness in the room.

Its almost over and I'm still here. One of the toughest phases is still to come. I never asked for this trial, nor was I looking forward to it when it was thrust upon me. Although it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my own mind.

Its not like I ever want to do it again, though.

-J

2009-05-18T22:47:00.004-04:00

Reversed Polarity

"but u were the first person I asked how it was...and u didnt sound 2 excited"

Blackrose uttered these words to me the other day over MSN. We were discussing what I thought of the new Star Trek movie. I would preface this post by saying that if anyone is who is reading this post hasn't seen this movie, go watch it, YOU will like it. I on the other hand didn't, but that is mainly because I am a huge Star Trek fan. And they were not faithful to anything Star Trek up until this point. I could see all of the small discrepancies between this and the other series. In a way the whole movie is one big discrepancy.

So why would I recommend a movie I clearly didn't like? Well the first reason is as above. I am just a way bigger Star Trek fan than you (Yes, I am) and everything there is to not like about the movie would only be seen by a certain level of fan. Secondly, I am really starting to question whether I will ever really like a movie ever again. I clearly could see that this movie was well done. And yet I was able to find the smallest flaws in it, and they really detracted from my enjoyment from the movie. Over the past 3 years most of the large really great movies that everyone has seen and loved, I hated. The Departed, The Dark Knight, No Country for Old Men, the list goes on. The last movie that I really got excited about was Shooter, and that was only because of the mindless head shots that were on ample display in that movie. The last movie that I really liked cause I thought it was a well done movie was Crash (no not the David Cronenburg one, perverts) And I think that movie was 2006. I have been saying to everyone who asks me about the Star Trek movie that I think that I may never like a movie again. If I can`t like Star Trek, what can I like. At first I thought it was the movies, but now I`m starting to think maybe its me.

Maybe all those people who call me a hater are right, heaven forbid.

-J

2009-05-12T19:49:00.002-04:00

Driving Miss Crazy

After years of talk, I am finally taking the steps to get my license. I am approximately 10 years behind my peers, but it has never really bothered me. I am a public transit rider and always will be. My commute is currently about an hour and a half and I don't mind it at all. Considering that when I was in school, it was almost 3 hours, 50% of that is a cake walk. So to practice I have been driving to the subway in the morning. About a 30 min drive every day on pretty busy roads is pretty good practice.

This has given me a new respect for people. I don't know how anyone could drive to work every morning. That 30 mins leaves me messed up for the rest of the morning. I'm used to my trip to work and from work being de-stressing, something about driving every day just unnerves me. There are people who drive downtown every day and park. And they wonder why heart problems are so prevalent in our society today!

I just really don't get it. Maybe its because I missed that teenage thrill of driving and having that freedom. But right now I will pass. The more I drive, the more I realize I don't want to. I don't mean at all, but I'm just not built for excessive amounts. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to this new step in my life. Freedom is something I will take anyhow I can get it.

But I salute all those who drive more than 15 minutes every morning to work, you are my idols.

-J

2009-05-10T21:00:00.002-04:00

My Canadian Secret

Today's artist is Canadian and a rapper. Yes you read right. He is a Canadian rapper, and I am going to tell you to listen to his music, not warn you off of him. Well technically he was born Somalia and moved here, but that's how all Canadians are right? K'naan is just making his mark on the music scene, but he is Toronto bred. Anyone who knows Canadian rap, knows that for the most part it is all crap. So just making good rap in Canada is a big enough deal. K'naan is not taking us back to the glory days of rap, but he is original, and is pushing the envelope, something most rappers aren't doing. I don't usually say this, but don't DL this album, buy it. He is Canadian after all :) Enjoy!

K'naan - Somalia

K'naan - Fatima

Now if only all Canadian rappers could find their own style and stop trying to be from NY or Cali.

-J

2009-05-10T00:52:00.002-04:00

Thief in the Night

I would like to start off this post by giving a shout out to my brother and sister, Knowledge and Ciara, because both of their birthdays were this week. One year older, hopefully one year wiser. I hope this year is everything you hope it can be.

Yesterday (Friday) night, I was walking home through my suburban residential neighbourhood. I had just past Octal's old house (I was surprised I even remembered it) when I saw that someones car was parked in their driveway and the interior light was on. I thought that the person might have just gotten out of their car, but when I looked at the house, it was dark and deserted, there was so way the person just went in. As I stood there looking at the light, I kept willing it to go off, hoping that it was just one of those cars that the interior light just takes a really long time to shut off. It wasn't. My first instinct was to go to the house and tell the person that the light in their car was on. But as I mentioned before, I am a very large black man and it was night time. I doubted if the person would've even answered the door. The person's house who I had just visited almost didn't answer the door. I walked away, but I felt mad guilty. I wished there was a way that I should've done something. I hate when my fear of being viewed as something to be afraid of stands in the way of me doing a good deed. A lot of the time I hesitate when faced with the opportunity to do good things, and the window to do them usually passes before I make a decision either way. In this case my fear is what prompted me to move quickly, cause I didn't want someone see me starting at this car. I don't regret my choice, but I do wish I didn't have to face that type of dilemma.

What would you have done?

-J

2009-04-30T20:54:00.004-04:00

Am I My Brother's Keeper?

Why did I post a picture of myself holding a book? There is no other proof on the net that I WON. That's right, I took home the prize. Who would've guessed? Yeah it was a random draw from all the entries, but I still won. It has been years I won anything more that a free ticket. So I had to come brag. :P

On to the matter at hand. Friday I had dinner with one of my friends. We haven't chilled in a long time, and it was good to get to chill for a while. There are very few people out there who are not blood related and get the brother title with me. 6 to be exact (OK so not so few a number). Slinks is definitely one of those. We had a long talk about people who we went to high school with. I hang out with a group of friends that I recently became close with, a group that has been friends since high school (who shall remain nameless :)) who comprise of: a doctor, a lawyer, and engineer, graphic designer, and a technical writer. Our group from high school consists of one person who may or may not have graduated from high school (still up for debate), one friend is in school with 4 kids, one friend who has been in school for the last 9 years straight (no one knows exactly why), one working two part time jobs, and me, Has a degree but stuck in a crappy, mostly dead end job. Now out of the 5 in my group, 3 would not have a problem with where they are (I am not one of those 3). Slinks and I discussed why the people we know are where they are and why they don't want more for themselves.

I personally could be said to be the best off of the 5. Definitely I am the most financially stable. And the most educated. And I think that I am nowhere. I have so much more that I want to do, places that I want to go. I wonder why the people I know haven't reached for the stars. Or why they aren't reaching still. What makes my old school friends and my new school friends different? Slinks didn't have an answer and neither did I. We did come to the conclusion that our parents did not have the proper role in our lives when we were kids to facilitate success later on in life. But we can't blame it on them, because circumstances made it such that they didn't know how to play that role. They did the best they could, but their best was nowhere good enough.

I say all this but I know that my friends should want more for themselves. I talk about them because I want more for them. I want more for them than I want for myself. I look at my friends that are on the cusp of greatness and I am so happy for them. My friends that are doing nothing with themselves I talk about them with scorn in my voice, but its not scorn I'm feeling, its frustration at their inaction. And I will never understand that inaction, because I am incapable of it. I don't know if they sit at home contemplating these things like I do, but after 9 years of the same thing over and over I can't imagine that they do. You would have to be a very strong person to endure that amount of self evaluation and no discernible progress.

Sometimes the progress is all that keeps me going.

-J

2009-04-20T21:01:00.003-04:00

Inspiration

This morning I was riding in the car, half listening to Metro Morning as I always do. There is very little that is ever that interesting on their show. They try and spice it up with current music and the hippest technology (Facebook, iPod) but it really just comes off as a how-to for adults.

This morning was a little different. They are running a contest to write a haiku about Toronto. I instantly perked up, and scoffed at the example that they gave (although I'm sure that it was just a quick one thought up). In the next 5 minutes I had crafted one similar to the example that they gave. By the time I got to work, I had written 6 of them. Sometimes I get an inspiration and I just run with it. Many of my songs that I crafted and posted on here were just a shot from the blue. I'm listening to a song, and it reminds me of a situation or concept in my life. Those two combine into a few cursory lyrics, and then I write the song later. I'm not a very creative person, but I am good at using formulas to craft something that can simulate creativity.

So here are the 6 of them, in order of how much I like them (the one I like the most first). I figured I would post them here for posterity (and so I can come back and brag if I win). I hope you enjoy.

Daylight in Downtown
Work, school, gym, dinner, movies
Sleeps in 905

Creba on Pavement
David Miller on same spot
Why not for others?

Regent Park, Malvern
Vaughn and Oakwood, Jane and Finch
Go see for yourself

Bum on the corner
Begs for change from passersby
Goes mostly unseen

Countries all over
Little Italy et al
World in one city

Leafs, Raptors, Blue jays
All won once upon a time
Now they win no more

This exercise has really shown me how elegant the haiku form really is, those Japanese have always really known what they were doing.

-J

2009-04-10T22:23:00.002-04:00

Good God

I usually post on Good Friday (although I think I missed last year), it is a good day for reflection and contemplation. This whole past year and a half has been one big reflection. Its funny that I find myself where I do cause although I knew that there was a good possibility of ending up where I am right now, but I don't think that I really expected to get here. But here I am.

Over the past year or so, I have had to re-examine my faith. With my brother's new zealousness and my involvement with a devout girl, I have been forced to examine my faith. Examine what I believe in. For the most part, I feel like what I believe is pretty concrete, but as I learn more, there is more to question and be unsure about.

Its been pretty interesting learning about everything. So many things that I have been exposed to, its good to get the background it. It has also been interesting to find out how similar people are despite thinking that they are so different. I have been looking for something to learn about, and this has filled that gap nicely.

All that being said I do have a large amount of anxiety. This anxiety is directly tied to my declining patience. I want to understand it all, know it all, and know how I feel about it all, RIGHT NOW. But unfortunately its not going to happen like that. Obviously its not going to happen like that. I am trying my best to be realistic about the whole thing. Not that I am being very successful at that. For years learning and understanding came easy to me, so now that it doesn't, I have to learn how to deal with it. But I am doing my best to not drive myself crazy.

Hopefully HE won't let that happen.

-J

2009-04-04T23:46:00.002-04:00

An Insight

I'm not sure how I feel about this but I think some people might agree:

Your results:
You are Spock

Spock		62%
Jean-Luc Picard		60%
Data		59%
Deanna Troi		55%
Uhura		50%
Beverly Crusher		50%
Geordi LaForge		50%
An Expendable Character (Redshirt)		45%
Chekov		40%
Will Riker		40%
Mr. Scott		35%
Mr. Sulu		35%
Leonard McCoy (Bones)		30%
James T. Kirk (Captain)		25%
Worf		25%

You are skilled in knowledge and logic.
You believe that the needs of the many
outweigh the needs of the few.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Quiz

Live Long and Prosper.

-J

2009-03-29T22:05:00.002-04:00

Write and Wrong

After the events of the weekend and the discussion I was engaged in today, I am really wondering. Wondering how do we know what is REALLY right and wrong. Most people (myself included, to a certain extent) look to their particular faith system to guide them to the truth. It would make things so much easier if it was self evident and laid out right there for all to see, but its not. Hence all the variation in the world. I have a tendency to follow my own path to a fault, and do what I think is right. And it has got me into shit many times over. But somehow not doing the right thing (in my mind) is hard to do even if everyone else think its wrong.

However there are many times that I do what I think is right, only to look back and wonder how I got to that conclusion. Regardless I don't have regrets because I think having good intentions and the right motivation overrides a bad result. One you have control over, and the other you doing. Which one should have the focus of your efforts? I do think that I need to try to plan with other perspectives in mind. Especially when my actions effect others.

I'm always thinking of others, but I seldom plan for others, even when we don't see eye to eye.

-J

2009-03-24T20:28:00.003-04:00

Passion Fruit

What are you passionate about? What moves your soul? How often is your soul moved? I have encountered many people lately who are passionate. I was at church on Sunday and I witnessed passion, such that it evokes a physical response. I have always found it at odds with my being.

There is not much I am passionate about. I am wondering if this puts me behind the curve. I am an extremely even keeled person. It helps with not feeling overwhelming despair all the time, but it has also robbed me of my passion. I can say that I don't know how to be passionate. I can be involved, and engaged, but passion is not in my repertoire.

I don't feel as if I am at a disadvantage. I feel I have much going for me. I know my limits and I think anyone who understands they are only going to get so much from me and they should be thankful if they get the most possible. One of the only things I am passionate about is giving, so if you get from me, know that it is the sincerest form of affection that I can show you.

And if I used to give, and I don't give no more, know that you fucked up, big time.

-J

2009-03-22T21:43:00.003-04:00

Who Me? Yeah You.

The question of who I am has been raised many times since the turn of the New Year. I think I have spent a considerable amount of time over the past few years trying to figure out who I am. And I am not there yet, I am still on the search. So to be challenged to possibly change who I am, before I even know who I am, has been an interesting quandary. Yesterday, one of my friends, Rapunzel, had a get together for her birthday deep in Toronto. Now I currently don't have my license, so getting there is hard on a Saturday evening on my own. So I called around to try and find myself a ride. But no one was reachable. And I didn't think anyone would've gotten back to me in time (I was right). I really had two choices, find my way down there or stay at home feeling sorry for myself waiting for someone to call.

Lately I have been trying to get my life in order. I have a greater handle on my monthly spending. I have a (loose) plan to have my OSAP paid off by the end of the year and get a car at the same time. I am trying to get my license as soon as possible. I am investigating my spiritual side. All of these things I would say are out of my element. A year ago I would've said that I none of those things are like me. But I am trying to set myself up to be in control of my situation. To have a situation better than the one I am in now.

All of that being said, I have come to the realization that I need to own my current situation. A mixture of fear and loathing has gotten myself to the place that I am at right now, and as much as I want it to change, change takes time. I need to make the best of the situation I am in now. And I need to stop letting my fear and dumb pride stop me from the things that I want. I can't hope to move forward if I don't get over it.

In the end I just took the GO bus there and back (a lot easier than I thought). It was a lot of fun and I'm glad I went. I think Rapunzel and her man were happy I was there too. That crew is always a good time. The risks were nothing compared to the rewards. And I would've never found out if I had stayed home, like I usually would've.

Taking risks is not me, but I'm learning that I can.

-J

2009-03-19T19:24:00.002-04:00

Make My Day

I very seldom comment on my day to day happenings on here, preferring to delve into the greater philosophical ideas and issues. I was just commenting to Garneteye the other day that I sometimes wish I lived during a time that I could've been an philosopher. Tackling nature of life seems to come naturally to me. Maybe one day I will write a book on my personal treatises.

Yesterday I was in the elevator going to lunch. I pressed the ground button, as I was the only person in the elevator. The elevator stopped at the 18th floor, and a family got on, a mother, father and their two sons. The younger of the two rushed on to the elevator, and screamed "I want to press the button!" Both the other brother and the dad told him at the same time that it was already pressed. He started to wail, and the mom told him "I think that man pressed the button" and pointed at me. She then turned to me and said "If I had pressed it, he would've screamed "you're ruining my life!" I just chuckled. So As the elevator goes down I catch sight of something in the side of my eye. The boy is standing there looking me up and down, and giving me dirty looks! The mom noticed and said to me "how does it feel to be stared down by a 5 year old?" I was dying of laughter.

That kid was too spoiled and too damn rude. If I did that my dad would've draped me up right there in front of any strangers, and made me apologize. Just goes to show the difference in cultures and generations.

But it did make my day, so I gotta thank that kid, at any rate.

-J

2009-03-09T22:54:00.003-04:00

My Old School Secret

I grew up under the hip hop tutelage of my older brother, Knowledge. He is/was the biggest Wu-Tang fan of all time, and I as a result was indoctrinated in the same vein. That is to say that my brother had one of the most discerning tastes when it came to hip hop. But then again, in the golden age of hip hop it was not that hard to find quality hip hop. I remember when Souls of Mischief burst on the scene. It was very soon after I started listening to hip hop. The did not have great amounts of success, but they had lots of quality music. And the were down with the Hieroglyphics Crew who also released lots of great music. Some of my favourite songs. This artist, Casual, is one of the most obscure artists from their crew. But he made one of my favourite songs of all time. I only know a few other of his songs, but this one is definitely worth it. Sick lyrics, hard beat, what more do you need. Enjoy.

Casual - That's How it is

The golden age of hip hop, I miss those days.

-J

2009-03-05T20:34:00.003-05:00

What the Hell?

I've decided to start a new series. I already have my secret series, bringing you my personal picks of favourite songs, songs that people may not know. I have a new one, as you can see above, titled "what the hell" where I will discuss things that I have no idea why they are.

On Monday and Tuesday I was at training for the sustainability report that we are going to be producing at my workplace. Obviously, people use the opportunity to network. At all of the trainings that I have attended, the trainers acknowledges this by giving out a list with the participants names and contact info. Why then, do people feel it is necessary to trade business cards??? If you have my contact info, why do I need to give it to you again? And at training for sustainability, if you are familiar with the concept, why would we want to be throwing around more paper. The carbon for the training is offset, but the paper that has been thrown around is irreplaceable. I just don't get it. Maybe its just because I am "new school", I have never bought into the idea of needing to hand out my business card. I have been by far the youngest in the crowd at most of these events I attend.

And sometimes, I think, the most intelligent.

-J

2009-02-26T19:08:00.003-05:00

Hallelujah

After months and months of waiting, it has all finally been revealed. I'm so relieved. We had a very good talk discussing things, and I got to say how I felt and my take on everything. It was a vindication, because it was confirmation of if you do the right things, then you will get the right results. Its funny that this would happen in the same week of our 2 year anniversary. There were many times that I didn't believe that I would be able to make it to this point. But I am here and I am happy with that part of my life at least. I finally feel like we are moving in the right direction, after all this time. I think the fact that I am so OK with everything is the most positive sign of all.

I can be an adult.

-J

2009-02-23T18:31:00.002-05:00

If You're Young at Heart

Meant to post this like 3 days ago, but the Internet has been down at my place. Forgive me if it seems a bit scattered and not fully formed.

I was having a discussion with Bones on Saturday and she mentioned that she thinks that I am way too young to say that my dreams are dead. That has really got me to thinking about dreams in general. I have asserted that my original dream, my childhood dream is dead. From about grade 8 on I always wanted to go to grad school and get into research. Because of academic reasons (My GPA being shot to hell) that is not possible at the present moment. I could go back to school and take courses until I get where I want to be. But I have decided to declare my dream dead. Why? Because I am trying to protect my heart from the pain of everything that I went through. I am also trying to move on from a struggle that I think will ultimately just push me down and not up. I want to move up and I think I can move up from where I am right now.

Its not like I haven't had dreams die. I had a dream at one point or another to marry PPiP and Gnarls Barkley, but those died. I had a dream to visit all of Scandinavia, but that dream is very close to being over. I had a dream to find the tomb of King Tut's father, but someone else beat me to it. I don't see letting go of any of the above dreams as a negative thing, on the contrary, I see them as necessary to my continued personal development. And I would group my original professional dream in there as well. Holding on to something that may be beyond my reach, something that may only bring me pain, something that was destroying me while I was holding on to it is not something that I see as good. I still have reminders now and then about my disceased dream, but trying to make the most of my situation eases that pain greatly.

Bones followed up with that question by asking me what my dream is now. And the answer is an emphatic I don't know. But I am not too worried. I am focusing right now on that aforementioned personal development. Once that is done (if I ever finish), then I am sure that I will be happy where ever I end up.

My only dream right now is to be happy, truly happy.

-J

2009-02-16T14:37:00.003-05:00

Sex in the City of Brampton

Sometimes I feel like Jack Berger, wanting to run away, and leave a post it note saying not to hate me cause I couldn't do it.

Sometimes I feel like Aidan Shaw, loving so hard and it is just not being returned.

Sometimes I feel like Stanford Blatch, knowing I am unattractive and not the traditional sense of beauty, but I'm aiming for the hottest anyways.

Sometimes I feel like Trey Macdougal, slightly obsessed with my Johnson, now that I know its worth something.

Sometimes I feel like Smith Jerrod, Wanting to be seen for my true talents and not my superficially good traits.

Sometimes I feel like Harry Goldenblatt, a bull in a china shop, not refined or well mannered, but possessing an intense all consuming love.

Sometimes I feel like Steve Brady, knowing that you don't quite measure up to someone greater than yourself, but hoping I will be accepted anyways.

Sometimes I feel like Mr Big, knowing I can't be anyone but myself, but trying to please others despite of that, because I love them.

Sometimes I feel like Charlotte York, Looking for the perfect mate, half knowing that really doesn't exist, and knowing I may have already found it, I just need to get over myself.

Sometimes I feel like Samantha Jones, just want to fuck all night long with the hottest girl around.

Sometimes I feel like Miranda Hobbes, wishing I didn't have to be a victim of my own success, and wondering if its settling if I don't pursue someone on my level.

Sometimes I feel like Carrie Bradshaw, writing about my life and my love story, but very unsure if it will end with the happily ever after.

What is my story anyways?

-J

2009-02-11T20:30:00.004-05:00

Ladies Man

Been wanting to blog, but ain't got nothing to say. Stuff going on, but not a post in sight. Sad really where I have reached, needing YouTube filler posts to keep my posting up.

On other news, any good male artist needs a song for the ladies. To show just how much he loves them. This track is the one I finished the quickest ever, did it on the way home and was done before I ate dinner. This one is for you ladies, enjoy.

I Bust (to the tune of Bust The Windows by Jasmine Sullivan)

Verse 1 -
I bust the cum into your eye
And no it wasn't a freak accident
I know you told me to let you know when
But right now I don't care about that part

I bust the cum into your eye
After you went down on me nice and slow
You didn't wanna cause your not a ho
I'm glad you decided to do it though

Chorus-
I must admit I planned it from the start
To shoot it right when I saw your lips part
I didn't know it would be that much jizz
But right now I need to take a wizz

You see you can't just suck it and not make me bust
Put your mouth on it then make a fuss
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But when I think of it I will smile

Verse 2 -
I bust the cum into your eye
You know I did it cause it turns me on
Made that pearl necklace around your neck
Then aimed higher as you went to check

I bust the cum into your eye
You should feel lucky that's all I did
After sucking it so very good
I had to bust on you like a man should

Chorus

I shot it into your eyes and your hair
you could never know how it feels to do
When I eat your pussy you'll do the same

Bridge -
Oooo yeah I did it (yeah I did it)
You should know it (you should know it)
I ain't sorry (I ain't sorry)
You needed it (you needed it)

All over your face and chest (all over your face)
You needed it (you needed it)
I ain't sorry (I ain't sorry) no no oh

You sucked my dick
So I came real hard
You made me cum
So I shot your face

Even though you do everything just to please me
I had to chance it just so I could see, yeah
Oh but why are you now crying
Why are you standing there and crying

Outro -
Oh you really sucked me good
You really, you really sucked me good
Hey Hey Hey (x2)
Now watch me oooooooooo
Now watch me

I bust the cum into your eye

Ladies love cool Proph.

-J

2009-02-06T18:45:00.002-05:00

Last Song Part 2

I missed a couple of crucial songs in my last post so here they are. Enjoy.

Hell Razah - Thankful

Common - Forever Begins

I heart music.

-J

2009-02-01T18:19:00.005-05:00

Last Song Secret

I realized recently that I have a love affair with the last songs on albums. For some reason they seem to be the songs that I gravitate towards. I wanted to give a selection of a few that I'm bumping on my mp3 player right now. Some are from artists that I have given shout outs to on here already. Some are some of my favourite artists, and some are some I just like. Take a listen and enjoy:

Blu and Exile - The World Is...

Erykah Badu - Honey

Little Brother - When Everything is New

Sisqo - Incomplete

Nas - Black President

Three 6 Mafia ft. Good Charlotte - My Own Way

Music isn't what it used to be, but there is hope for it yet.

-J

2009-01-26T19:41:00.002-05:00

Family Weekend

Hey y'all, its been a little while and much has happened. America has a black President, Canada has 18 new senators, and I have a bigger belly.

This weekend I spent a good amount of quality time this weekend with family. I really needed this weekend. It was well worth it.

Friday ran to the Bier Markt with Anthro and J-Smooth. With Anthro's departure imminent one of his friends invited us out (supposedly). It always interesting to go to a white hangout spot with white people. One of Anthro's friends friends was doing what my sister and I call when a white person chops you. He had his arm around me, trying to get me to chop this half black girl, telling me how he hasn't dated a white girl in 6 years. I don't know why white people need to justify themselves to ethnic people. Telling me you have black friends and a black girlfriend is not going to make me like you more. In fact it will probably make you like you less.

Saturday was Pika's wedding. I'm not sure if I have mentioned Pika, but he is an old school friend. And when I say old I mean older than even the Newman Crew. I met Pika on my first day of school... ever, like back in kindergarten. We grew up together. We were in scouts together, elementary, high school, even went to two different campuses of the same university. This is someone I consider a brother, and his parents like a second set of parents. The wedding was awesome. The ceremony was somber and very religious. The reception was boisterous. The hall was sick, projected screens, light shows, and a straight from the club MC. It was awesome to see Pika get married after all these years and to be able to share that day with him. We are not as close as I wish we were, but it was good to get to sit and talk to him, catch up a bit. It was also good to get to spend time with Dumps, who is a never ending stream of Jokes. Even seeing Pika's sisters, who are all grown up was a pleasure as well. They are women now and make me feel old.

Sunday I went to lunch with my father and my sibs. It is always good to spend time with my sibs. Can't always say the same things about my dad. We went to Mandarin and I put in a peak performance. I'm regaining some of my eating form. We got to talk and discuss, it was quality time well spent. I was afraid it would degenerate into some sort of bashing or degradation session but it was all good.
After that I spent the rest of the day at Anthro's house. I had to trade Philippines pictures with him, and then we just hung out. Talking, cracking jokes and they played pool. J-Smooth and Dumpling was there too. Now that Antro is gone, I sure am going to miss him. Its just not going to be the same.

Sibling, Father, J-Smooth, Pika, Anthro, Dumpling, these are all members of my family. I love them all dearly and I don't get to spend half as much time with them as I should. This weekend, being able to be in their presence for extended periods of time. My soul has been running on empty lately, and this was a good way to refill it. Even though one part of the family is now on his way overseas, I know that we will all be connected no matter what. Its too bad every weekend can't be like this.

If it were, I might've been able to say I was happy, wouldn't that be a trip.

-J

2009-01-04T16:40:00.006-05:00

The Renaissance

I've been meaning to redo my blog for a while now, so I finally got off my kiester and did it today. My links and pictures were mostly out of date or not working so I needed to do some cleaning. Had to stick with the basic underlying green, cause Lawnchair is for life. I think it has a much more clean look, I will probably add a few more small changes in the next few months to spruce it up a bit.

I will commemorate this occasion with a song that I finally finished after month and month of sitting on it. I got stuck back in June, put it down and never picked it up until today. After the events of the past few days I needed some way to channel all the nervous energy I have.

This song was inspired by a good friend of mine, whom I shall dub BlackRose. BRose and I haven't seen each other in a number of years but we still talk every now and then, send support the other's way. Shortly before I started the song, all the way back in May, we had a conversation about being social outcasts and how society looks at people who don't fit into the norm. We both don't and its one of the things I value the most about her. After that I heard a song and was inspired to write this. This one is for you BlackRose.

Dumb it Down
(To the tune of Dumb it Down by Lupe Fiasco)

I fear more
And I feel more
I hear more
And I think more
That means I hurt more
Which means I love more
Which means my minds core resides on my heart's shore
Which means I'm quite sore
But I'm so hardcore, you could say a love whore
But I should stop cause I could just pop
Like some Pringles or a Schnapps
But sometimes I try to be a listener or to mop others' problems till they stop
One stop shop, I really shouldn't be the help corp
Strictly cause my hearts tore
The lifestyle is very mild, as a child, not very wild, no file, and no damn guile
For a very long while
Made to dial, when a girl with a small pearl, with a swirl, on the net wanted him idle
But he wanted to hurl, at the damn girl, bit of hurl from my pie hole
Now I have not a girl, in my world who wants to take a quick whirl with the kid
Ring around a rosy, pocket full of posies, we all fall to the ground, on the way down
But I don't give up, and I'm never at peace

You going over people's heads Ju (dumb it down)
Girls telling me that they don't feel you (dumb it down)
We ain't graduate from school Ju (dumb it down)
Them big words ain't cool Ju (dumb it down)
Yeah I heard of TNG Ju (dumb it down)
Why you coachin' for no fee Ju (dumb it down)
We don't care about survivor Ju (dumb it down)
Girls you'll have much more if you (dumb it down)

And I'm cool less
Which means I'm hot less
Now as far as my niche goes, I've found it
Its a far as the distance from the muon to the ground is
But the big knockers on the chest of a curvy girl is the best
She's fine and I'm pine, I feel I'm flyin' by 'em cause my mind's on cloud nine and Seven of Nine
At the same time
See Odo morph beside the one called Worf
Who's also Klingon
To infinity and beyond
I try not to stink but I think like Newton
Or compute like Einstein
I'm proving identities, you're still working on small primes
Writer of the mad man blog, ducker of the pointless jog, do a lot less like Sleepy of the Seven Dwarfs
Yeah, put away your freaking bong, don't snort nothing white, don't puff nothing long

You've been shedding too much light Ju (dumb it down)
Why you always do right Ju (dumb it down)
You need more self-esteem Ju (dumb it down)
You aren't exactly what you seem Ju (dumb it down)
Why don't you go to graduate school Ju (dumb it down)
Why you think rap is for dumb ass fools Ju (dumb it down)
Why you still in the same neighbourhood Ju (dumb it down)
I'll tell you what you should do (dumb it down)

And my Brain's big
Which means my heads big
Like LL Cool J's is
Or Ron Jeremy's is
Makes me want to frig
Till I do a little jiggy-jig
That makes me a big pig
Not unlike Big Tig
But he is someone I don't dig
They said they need more of what I can give, I say frig, then I do it, can you dig?
I try not but my heart is so damn big
Even the new Grinch would find it hard to clinch
My heart's square inch
My heart is a balloon, it is my boon, their in a pinch
Westside of Brampton, westside my mans live, our stocks are rising
Almost at the level of google and Microsoft corp.
Lucky they have years on us
We will get there don't you worry, tricks leave them for the devil
I'm insane
In the brain
Or is that
In my membrane
But, who cares as long as I can make in rain
Until you need something else and I help you out again

You putting me to sleep nigga (dumb it down)
That's why your jokes are so very weak nigga (dumb it down)
Why you play with Starcraft hordes nigga (dumb it down)
Robots and Black Dwarfs nigga (dumb it down)
Jeezy's man of the year G (dumb it down)
That shit's rocking over here B (dumb it down)
Why don't you get a nice car nigga (dumb it down)
Why you in your mom's yard nigga (dumb it down)
Why you ain't chopping chicks (dumb it down)
Drink and smoke till you're sick (dumb it down)
What the fuck is wrong with you (dumb it down)
How can I get to spend time with you (dumb it down)

Look B, here's my math, my cell phone, uh... What should I - ah here take this, that right there, fuck what the others say about you, you are quite a nice guy, I like you

LCC, They told me I should come down cousin, but I flatly refused, I ain't dumb down nothing

-J

2009-01-04T00:10:00.003-05:00

2009

I realize I should've posted by now, but its been a hectic past few days. Weird ones too, to say the least.

Last year was a year of discovery, mostly about myself. I think I learned more about myself in the past 6-7 months than I did in the 10 years before that. These weren't exactly new things. I knew these things about myself, I just was able to see them for what they really were and where they came from; why they were a part of me. I think that has set me up well for the new year.

I have things I want to do with myself and now is the time to seize the opportunity. I have seen a glimpse of where I want to go and although I don't know the path there, I think I am now best equipped to find the way to get there. Last year I focused on me, mentally and emotionally. This year will be about me again, only professionally and socially.

I have realized that I am more than tired of where I find myself right now (as I have mentioned in a previous post) and I can't stay here anymore. Some things that I love will have to get put on the back burner, but great things require sacrifices, right? I have a lifetime of sacrificing behind me, so it won't be any problem for me.

The problem for me will be staying the course. I have a tendency to wander, to lose motivation, lose focus, lose interest. I know these things about myself, so I need to learn to work through them to get what I want. Cause this is the year, there is no more waiting, no more going back.

This is the New Year.

-J

2008-12-28T22:16:00.003-05:00

My Post Christmas Secret

Two post in one day, good way to come back after a small hiatus. 19 quickly became one of my favourite albums of 2008. I first heard about Adele from seeing her album in the stores. Then I saw her album on a friend's (now defunct) music blog. She has a lot more soul than most of the cookie cutter clones (see: Girlicious) out there right now. The British seem to know how to produce good music and TV. She hasn't gained much notoriety here from what I have seen, but I think like her crazier contemporary Amy Winehouse, she will be a star here soon enough. This is another situation where I could've chosen any one of at least 7 songs from her album. I tired to choose the one that most embodies who I am and my mindset. And I will say as always go out and get her album, you'll be glad you did.

Adele - Cold Shoulder

You can tell by the way she looks that she has real talent.

-J

2008-12-28T11:13:00.002-05:00

Heidi Fleiss

I've been meaning to blog all week. I have seen people checking for the obligatory holiday post, maybe see what I got for Christmas. And I have had a topic for a post since last Saturday. But through a combination of a lack of motivation, and a lack of cohesion the post has never gotten off the ground. Even now the post is not totally formed in my mind. But now at least the motivation is there. So I write.

This week I have been angry. Check that...I have been furious. And that is not me. I (unthinkingly) put it as my facebook status and now people are contacting me asking whats wrong cause they know that that is not me. Its been hard to deal with because I know it is unlike me. Its really shouldn't come as that much of a surprise though because as the rage has enveloped me, I can clearly see where the fuel for the fire is coming from.

Its funny how fragile my mind state is. Just three weeks ago I was riding a wave of good vibes. It was as though the universe had aligned to rain good vibes down on the earth, cause most people I knew were in a good place. That has quickly gone down the tubes for me, gone to hell in a hand basket as they say.

This has been a year of discovery for me. Many major revelations have been realized over the past 12-18 months, the majority coming in the last 4 months. I feel as if this is one more to add to the list. I feel like I am in a extended period of personal overhaul, as each change is made, 3 more changes that need to be made come to light. Stability is the goal, and anyone familiar will know that to repair the stability of a structure after it has been compromised is a delicate and complex operation to repair it. Because as you go through reinforcing and repairing, there is always the chance the whole structure could collapse, if the wrong move is made.

As for right now I don't know what to do about this mood. The fire is still smouldering inside of me, flares up every now and then. I'm trying to keep it down, keep it under control, but it doesn't always work. It's still colouring my interactions with a lot of the people around me, and some don't deserve to get what the minority deserve. It is interesting to be consumed by such an unfamiliar emotion.

The dark side wants me, and I'm starting, more and more, to want it too.

-J

2008-12-13T00:40:00.002-05:00

Do You Remember the Time?

Have you ever stumbled upon something from your past, that in clear terms showed the contrast between who you are now and who you were then?

I recently found a letter that I wrote to PPiP almost exactly 2 years ago. I never sent it cause I opted to go the face to face route (which in my usual manner changed to the on the phone route, not cause of fear, because of impatience). It clearly spelt out how I felt about her at that time, and its funny how the situations between then and now are so similar. Then , as now, I was faced with a PPiP that had in a large scale moved on, as far as there being (only suspicion but a very strong one at that) someone new in her life. At that time it made me realize that I was still deeply in love with her and that I wanted to give it one last go. Now though, faced with the same situation, it is still bothering the hell out of me. No I am not in love with her nor do I want to get back with her. It bothers me because it is the end of an era. Probably the best time of my life. I recently told PPiP that she is the pinnacle of my romantic, emotional and physical relationships. It is the unadulterated truth. I may never match the raw intensity that we had in every interaction. I'm not sure if I ever want to duplicate it. I know I could never go back to her for it, cause the hurt, pain, and resentment that goes along with it are too much to overcome. I can extend this even further. We got together in 2003, probably the worst year of my life. Since then I have done a lot of healing, lived a lot more than I did in all the years before it. And through that all she was with me, I needed her and she needed me. And now this era is over. My imminent departure from ORC, my hopeful soon acquisition of my license, my cut hair, are all signs that this era is over because they are the termination of major characteristics from that time of my life. And the absence of a meaningful contribution from PPiP in my life is just another. Today we had dinner and it was strained and awkward, almost on the point of painful. This is the person that the first time we talked we talked for almost 5 hours. I was on a payphone and went through 4 quarters (the calls actually expired, did you know payphones did that?) before her phone died. Too much bitterness, too many secrets. Most of our lives are shrouded from one another, so much so that we can't even make small talk. This really served to drive home that things are changing, that a new stage in my life is quickly approaching. Don't get me wrong, I have been anticipating this new stage for many years. I am the one taking the steps to leave my job, I am the one who broke up with PPiP, I am the one who decided to cut my hair. The thing is that the last era was so good, so comfortable, so safe that it was easy to stay there and languish. It would be easy for me to get back with PPiP and be with her for the rest of time (not that I have any delusions that she would even think of taking me back). As I said before, it was the best time of my life. But I have made a deliberate decision to shake off my comfy surroundings and strike out for what I want, despite the fact that the road may be tough. So I have been trying to cope with the constant anxiety and bitterness I feel at the loss of my comfort zone. Many of the things that I used to do back then (a lot of them with (or to LOL) PPiP) I think about nowadays, and a part of me wants desperately to do them. It is a conscious effort at times to not make the steps to put myself in places that I used to frequent. After all the pain that I have endured, its natural to want to feel good. Its not easy to have to be faced daily with the consequences of your actions, or the real way people feel about you, or the realization that the things and people you once counted on are no longer there for you. That the role you once played so well, has now ended its run and a new play is about to take the stage. Its like a modern day hunter in the woods. Early in the morning, after a cold rough night, he spots a 14 point buck, so close he could reach out and touch it. As he raises his gun to shoot i, it bounds away. Being so close, he naturally takes up the chase. All day he is exhilarated with the prospect of taking down this majestic creature and cementing his name in the annals for all time. But the buck stays one step ahead of him all day. As the day passes into night he knows at some point he will have to come out of the woods and go back to camp, but he pushes a little bit longer hoping to catch him and realize his dream. Eventually the point will come when he has no choice but to go back to camp, whether its that night, the next day, or a week later. After resting and refreshing, he will go back out looking for the next prey to fell.

Right now I'm on my way back to camp.

-J

2008-12-07T18:11:00.002-05:00

Have you ever...

Been in love with 2 people at the same time?
Felt an happiness so pure it left you sad for at least a day afterwards?
Told someone you love them and by the process of saying it, realized that you don't in fact love them?
Found your soul mate, except for the fact that you are straight and they are the same sex as you?
Smiled at someone you wanted, in your heart, to literally stab?
Eaten something out of the garbage?
Wanted something, more than anything in the world, that you knew for a fact that you didn't want?
Kissed an elbow pit?
Took a picture you would never show ANYONE?
Been jealous of someone or something knowing you are way better off?
Hated someone as strongly and as deeply as you loved them?
Taken someones recommendation on doing something and thought less of them as a result?
Hated yourself for loving someone?
Hated someone else for loving you?
Been inspired to do nothing?
Hated someone after only looking at them?
Loved someone before setting eyes on them?
Imagined committing a violent crime?
Wished something bad on yourself just for the experience?

In case you are wondering some of these are a yes for me, and no I won't tell you which ones.

-J

2008-11-30T14:43:00.002-05:00

The Game

1st and 10 on their own 35

They run option, the quarterback gives it to the full back, and he rumbles for 5 yards.

2nd and 5 on the 40

Play action fake, the quarterback finds his tight end running the out, he is tackled at centre field. 15 yard gain.

1st and 10 at mid-field

The quarterback is in the gun. He fakes the hand off to the running back, and keeps it himself. The linebackers come up well and make the tackle, gain of 3.

2nd and 7 on the 52

Under centre, the quarterback drops back, 5 step pass, the end has him, but he escapes. Pass down field to his wide receiver, hes out of bounds at the 30. Gain of 22.

1st and 10 on the 30

The quarterback is under centre, looks like a pitch, no he's given it to the full back, he gets 4 yards.

2nd and 6 at the 26

Option again, this time the quarterback pulls it out, he ducks and looks like he has an opening, but the saftey comes up and makes a great play, that was a vicious hit. The quarter back is slow back to the huddle.

3rd and 2 at the 22

First 3rd down we have seen on this series, and only 2 yards to go easily obtainable. Looks like they are going to go to the pitch, no the quarterback bootleggs, he's looking down field, he's got to pull it down and run, he slides, not much but he's gotten the first down.

1st and 10 at the 18

They go back to their bread and butter, the option. The Quarterback has it and it doesn't look like he's gonna get much, bur he pitches it as he gets hit. The runningback has room, he is finally forced out at the 10.

2nd and 2 at the 10

In the gun again, 5 wides, looks like they want to go for it all here on second down. Looks like they are going to go with the shotgun option again, he gives it to the running back, they string him out, but he turns the corner, its enough for the first down and more.

1st and goal on the 7

The quarterback is under center, he drops back, throws the fade to the wide reciver in the back of the endzone, looks like he's got it...touchdown! But wait, it looks like the ball came out at the last second.

2nd and goal at the 7

Option, the quarterback gives it to the fullback, but the defence was ready for them. He gets about 3 yards.

3 and goal at the 4

They have been pretty successful at 3rd down. They use play action, the tight end is covered in the endzone. The quarterback pulls it down and still manages to get positive yardage.

4th and goal at the 3

It looks like they have decided to go for it. One back in the backfield. Speed option, the quarterback works down the line, looks like its a dead play, but he pitches to the running back, and he has a seam, Touchdown! 13 plays, 90 yards and a score. They make it look so easy.

Just a glimpse into my mental offensive playbook.

-J

2008-11-29T14:28:00.002-05:00

My "Long Time No See" Secret

I know its been a while since I left one of my secrets. Gnarls Barkley is best known for their song "Crazy". Their new album has not made any waves, although I think it is really good. This is another album that I could chose a few songs from, but there is one song in particular that I can't listen to just once. I have to listen to it at least twice in a row. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a big fan of anything that has a old 50's, 60's, and 70's music. It seems like our friends Ceelo and Danger Mouse love that era too. And they also love to be different as heck. If you aren't fully sure how, look up the video for their song "Who's gonna save my soul now". But this song is my fav off the album, but as always I would tell you to go check out the whole thing. Buy it, support an artist.

Gnarls Barkley - She Knows

She knows, and I know too.

-J

2008-11-20T20:14:00.001-05:00

The Message

Horoscope for Wednesday November 19, 2008

Scorpio (Oct. 24 — Nov. 22)
You are starting to see, understand and appreciate something. You are not yet sure what this means. But your heart knows what it needs to do. Listen carefully; you may become delightfully enlightened.

I hear you.

-J

2008-11-16T22:36:00.002-05:00

Crowded Mind

Yeah I'm back again. I have posted twice in a day before, but usually there is a sleep in between, not less than two hours. But I jumped in the shower and thought about something else that I really needed to get off of my chest, so here I am. It also melds well with the theme of this particular post somewhat as well.

How appropriate is it to reveal everything that you think or that is going on with you? Is it OK to purposely hide something from someone if you thing the reason behind doing it is good? What if you knew that the person who you weren't telling would want to know, or should know? I have a few situations in my life where I know (or at least strongly suspect) that something is being kept from me for some reason or another. Now on one level it bothers me because I want to know. I am naturally a inquisitive person, and I like to have people confide in me. Mostly I'm ok with it because I know that if I am meant to find out, I will. But it begs the question, when has too much been said.

Now I cannot write this post and not mention the fact that I am guilty of this as well. I grew up in a house where secrecy and lies were a part of the day to day environment, so it is my natural instinct to conceal and evade. With the people that I am closest to I try and be as open as possible, but there are parts of me that NO ONE gets. No one. Is that wrong? I always felt that if I met a woman that I would be willing to give those parts of me to then I would have found my wife. But I know now that the chances of that happening are slim to none. So I know that they will stay buried inside, among some other things I am not ready to let see the light of day. What does that make me? A pathological liar? There are things that people have done to me or things that have happened to me that I don't say how I really feel about them. Some come up from time to time, and I knew I should've said something about them then, and it is too late to say something about them now? Or is it? Does that make me a coward? There are things that are currently going on in my life that I don't talk about/tell people about because it is just easier, because I don't want to be judged. Does that make me weak? Or does that make me a martyr, dying for others, for a cause I'm not even sure I really believe in. Or has the right choice been made, and is sparing the truth for some interest the right thing to do. Again I am not sure.

A friend once said to me that if he knew what was going on in my brain he could rule the world. I don't know if the world would be at his feet, but I know he would never be able to look at me the same again. And I know I would never be able to look at him the same again either. I don't think I could handle being exposed that much, after living with a wall (varying sizes for different people) to protect me for so long.

And if the answer was yes, total openness was always the right thing to do, would I even change my ways?

-J

2008-11-16T21:11:00.002-05:00

27

I wanted to post something on my birthday, but my attempts to find Internet yesterday in Syracuse were foiled (I went there to watch a football game). I have posted that my birthday is not a big deal to me. I'm used to my birthday coming in like a lamb and going out like a lamb, and yesterday was no exception. But now whenever a birthday passes, people ask if I feel old. Or they simply state that I am now old. And the funny thing is is that I do feel old. I feel no motivation to do this things I used to do. My body does not perform the simplest task as easily as they used to. I walked up 3 flights of stairs this week and thought my heart was going to explode. I have been out of the county twice in the last 3 weeks and all I want to do when I am away is chill out and eat food. The way I sleep on Saturday sets the tone for my whole week. I am no longer the person I was 8 years ago when I left high school. And I am very comfortable with that. I have friends who are so interested in how they look, going out, meeting guys/girls, drinking or smoking, and shopping. Not to say that these things are only the concern of young people. I am concerned with, finding a new book to read, getting more/better sleep, how to save my money more effectively, and how to get time to do nothing. Those are the things that are on the top of my priority list right now. And the fact that these are the things that I care about and not those exciting things I named before makes me feel real old. Cause I seem to be the only single person I know that is interested in these types of things.

But then again, maybe its not that I'm old, maybe its just that I'm boring.

-J

2008-11-09T20:02:00.003-05:00

Around the World (In 14 Days)

So the reason why I have been absent is because I went to the Philippines for 2 weeks. Twelve time zones away. It was a very good time, but it wasn't what I would define as exciting (which is exactly the way I would have it if I could do it all again). I finished 2 books, so that tells you how much free time I had. One of the books provoked a lot of thought in my copious amounts of free time. I have been saying for a while that I wish I had more time. Well I got that time over the past couple of weeks and I reached a few conclusions. This is the time of the year when I feel the most reflective and the most introspective. Both my relationships ended at this time of the year, so you know my critical hat is on. So here is what I came up with:

Always bring 2 towels when you travel (maybe even 3)
I don`t know what my wound is
I am not alright and I refuse to hide it
I love flights out, I hate flights home (even if I`m ready to come home)
I don`t see any way of getting rid of my false self
If you travel to Asia as a male foreigner, you will be offered women (as in hookers) anywhere, anytime
I`m not okay with the way everything is (and I know why)
I don`t need a woman to make me feel like a man but I have in the past
You know when you get hungry and you stay hungry for so long you stop being hungry and if you continue to not eat it the hunger comes back 100 times worse? I am currently at the point where the hunger has gone. I am terrified of when it comes back.
We don't know what poverty is in Canada
I really like being a Really Nice Guy
I need out of my job, like yesterday
I'm not resentful, I think
I've come a long way and I'm close to knowing my true name

I think I'm off of vacations for a little while, the next will be to the motherland. I realize I have a lot to do here, and I can't put it off any longer. Someone recently told me living for others is an inauthentic life. You can never do enough for others. They never realize how much you have given them. I guess you could add that to the list:

If you are constantly trying to be enough, you will never have enough. If you are constantly giving, you will be left with nothing

I guess I have to start living it for myself. I don't know how, but I'm learning.

Took a depressing turn at the end there didn't it, my bad.

-J

2008-10-19T17:14:00.003-04:00

Wacky World of Prophet

I opened my window today to warm up my room
I truly believe torture is good for the soul
I was being identified with football long before I identified with it
Most of the time I feel like a Quintesson Judge (you know the egg shaped, 5 faced robots from transformers). If only I could spin my head 360 degrees in both directions.
My life has turned into a fairy tale. Or is it a fable with a moral at the end (Like the boy who cried wolf).
My team has yet to win a game, yet this is the most fun I have ever had coaching
I'm going on what is the most exciting trip of my life thus far, and all I can feel about it is fear
It's been 6 months, and it just gets harder
Feeling bad is my normal, and I'm ok with that
I feel alone a lot of the time, and am alone the rest of the time
I'm craving two buffets, they are located in Stockholm and Copenhagen
I've had my three strikes, I'm out

-J

2008-10-19T00:34:00.004-04:00

Secret Part Who The Hell Cares Any More

Hey y'all. I know it has been a while and I'm neglecting you all. But there is a lot going on and I'm not prepared for any of it. I'm going to be leaving the country again, and I'm trying to get myself in the right mindset so as to maximize my enjoyment. There are also a couple of big bombs that I'm waiting to be dropped on my head, and even though I know they are coming I am totally unprepared. I'm trying to stay in all of these games among others, but I am glad that I will get to check out of them shortly.

Enough of the bitching, lets get on to the body of the matter. Its kind of sad that Erykah Badu has made my secret post series but there you have it. That is the state of music today, that most people probably didn't even know she had an album come out this year, let alone hear any music from it. This song I love because it has such a different sound. Not to mention that it appeals to my ABM side (angry black man). I don't think I have ever exposed that side of me here, I don't expose that side much in general. But it is definitely there. I think it is that part of me that is the most angry at the state of music today. I think most who are reading this really listen to the lyrics, they may not get it. But I do, and I think more songs like this need to be made. Not everyone is strictly in the pursuit of money. At some point I might give the ABM side of me the mic and let him sound off. But I must warn you, he tends to be a bit long winded. I apologize in advance. Now on to the song:

Twinkle - Erykah Badu

Edit: I had to change the video because YouTube cut the album version. Look it up yourself, I think its worth it.

I'm a complex guy, what you think you know about me, you don't.

-J

2008-10-05T20:01:00.002-04:00

Day of Dawning

Take note of the date of this blog: October 5, 2008. Thursday was the birthday of my closest work friend VT. I took her to lunch at Spring Rolls. Her Boyfriend took her for dinner at the Keg. And while we were at lunch, two of the other girls on our floor circulated a card around the floor for people to sign. VT really didn't want anyone to know about her birthday or make a big deal about it. She told me that one of the girls wrote in the card "I just couldn't keep it secret".

Why is it that some people are so crazy about birthdays? I personally don't really give that much of a damn about my birthday. Some of my best friends have no idea when my birthday is, only because I did such a good job of obscuring my birthday in high school, as to avoid birthday beats, that to this day they still don't know. VT said that as the years go on her minute interest dwindles more and more. For me it has been the opposite, as the years go on I feel more and more I SHOULD celebrate my birthday. It may be that some people I know are rubbing off on me. I really don't care that much. If you know me and you don't call me or don't wish me happy birthday, I really don't care. I have turned off my birthday status on Facebook, so I don't get all those fake birthday greetings.

Why did I have you mark the date at the beginning of this post? Because as of this moment, a month and 10 days before my birthday, I know exactly what I will be doing on my birthday. Now don't get the wrong idea, I haven't planned anything, but an outing was planned that day and I was asked if I wanted to go. For the past two years I had missed that particular trip, so this year I am going. It is a total coincidence that it happened to land on my birthday. But it is the earliest I have know what I am doing on my birthday in my whole life.

This has been a year that I cannot escape birthdays. Significant moment have happened on other's birthdays, and my birthday has come up way before I usually think about it. The 10th birthday of Lawnchair was last month. And a literal birth day is coming this Thursday, the birth of the First Lady of Lawnchair. I'm being haunted by birthdays this year. Birthdays have suddenly taken on a whole new significance in my life.

I still can't muster any caring for mine though.

-J